01/23/08 CHRIS: “I use bruce force.” GM: “Bruce Force?” CHRIS: “I mumbled…brute force.” CONAN: “Bruce Force once fought Chuck Norris and won…cause he’s Bruce Force." CHRIS: “Yeah Bruce took on that fighter plane in the last Lethal Weapon.” GM: “Bruce?!” CHRIS: “Yeah…” GM: “Lethal Weapon?!” CHRIS: “I meant Die Hard.” GM: “The man confused Die Hard with Lethal Weapon.” CHRIS: “They’re the same thing.” GM: “Of course they are…they both have someone named BRUCE!!” CAM: “It was George Orwell.” CONAN: “Before or after the giant ball?” CAM: “What?” CONAN: “Before or after the giant planet?” CAM: “George Orwell, not Orson Welles.” CONAN: “I am so sorry. I can’t believe I just said that.” GM starts writing the quote down. CONAN: “Don’t you fucking dare quote that!” CHRIS: “I am blind now. I can’t read or write.” CONAN: “Like you could before.” GM: “Then how did I gain so many ranks in knowledge religion?” CAM: “Phonetically…” MIKE: Laser Floyd!” CONAN: “The power of Floyd, contained in a laser!” MIKE: “Nothing else could contain Floyd, except maybe a CD.” CONAN: “Which is released…BY A LASER!!” GM: “Well you combine White Flour—“ CONAN & CAM (fists pumping): “WHITE FLOUR! WHITE FLOUR!” GM: “The White dragon leans forward and says he will take you to the Foundation, but asks for a vow to uphold a favor when asked.” CAM: “Very well, I swear an oath to—“ GM: “Yeah, good.” 01/10/08 CONAN: “I want o play an oozemaster. Ooooshmashter. Dudshe, shat’s fucked up.” GM: “It’s a 1 kilometer climb back up those steps.” MIKE: “Oh god…I look for an elevator.” GM: “Roll a search.” MIKE: “Can I take 20.” GM: “Yeah.” MIKE: “I fucking take 20!” CONAN: “Just go and ask Denim.” GM: “His name is Denan.” CHRIS: “Doesn’t matter. He has been nicknamed Jeans.” GM: “You hear their language…just a sequence of pops and whistles.” CONAN: “I don’t speak dutch.” GM: “You enter the bridge and notice Isaac messing with their computers.” CAM: “Please stop unless its minesweeper.” MIKE: “I think it is minesweeper.” CONAN: “Please stop. It is an alien computer. Its not minesweeper.” 10/21/07 CONAN: “Serenis can wear Seiki’s clothes. She is thin and frail. So is the elf.” CHRIS: “Yeah, sure…it will be just tight around the hips and bust.” CONAN: “Not so much around the hips.” CONAN: “We just encountered your people around a dyson sphere.” GM: “A dyson sphere?” CONAN: “Yeah…its like…ah…kinda like a dome…no…wait…that’s wrong…like a double dome, and it--” GM: “You mean sphere…I know sphere. I am not hung up on the sphere part.” MIKE: “I occasionally check over my shoulder to make sure my mech is still there CONAN: “Or what, its been stolen by space Mexicans?” GM: “You pick up a transmission from Issaac…(Garble) They’re Dead (Pop) (Fizz) Help (Static) Oh GOD (Garble) Chocolate (Static) Ice Cream.” GM: “You see dozens of bodies, all stacked.” MIKE: “Like huge tits?” GM: “So of the three aliens, they all speak horribly except Yarios. He has a speech impediment…that he speaks perfect English.” CONAN: “He’s my favorite.” GM: “Yeah, Nikita steals five boxes of stims from the medical lockup and leaves a note, I owe you 5 boxes of stims, Nikita.” CONAN: “I probably spelled boxes with a Q.” CAM: “Took them all in one shot.” GM: “He spend the whole evening unrolling every toilet roll on the ship…then re-rolled them.” 10/10/07 CONAN: “I have been drinking this stuff the Yarix make…care to have a sip?” CAM: “It smells like them.” CONAN: “Oh god…what have I been drinking.” GM: “Spitting helps with the fermentation.” CONAN: “Ah screw it, I drink it anyway.” GM: “Yarix coffee…made from pure Yarix manseed.” CONAN: “Yes, well, Serenis can feel the dead…well…not…literally…although technically I can’t assume something like that.” MIKE: “We can teach them how to seed…herd…” CONAN: “Seed herds….what…plant cows?” GM: “How old are you?” CONAN: “100” MIKE: “I’m like…85.” CAM: “23.” CONAN: “23?” CAM: “Yeah half elves reach adulthood sooner but they age slower after that.” SCHUYLER: “I’m 9.” MIKE: “When we catch cats or skunks, were told to just dump the cages in the water and drown them.” CONAN: “Oh my god…serious?” MIKE: “Yeah…” CAM: “Jesus…why not just hit them with a club?” CONAN: “Cause that’s CRUEL!” 09/16/07 GM: “You can buy a coupon book. 50 gold worth of savings for 5.” CAM: “I get one.” SCHUYLER: “So do I…then I find some hookers.” GM: “You don’t want to pay for a hooker that accepts coupons.” CHRIS: “They’re pagus. They’re your people.” SCHUYLER: “No…I mean they are my people…but they are not MY people. I don’t own them.” CAM: “He’s not buying them beer. He’s not renting them shoes…” CHRIS: “You have great cleave.” SCHUYLER: “No, I don’t…” CONAN: “Don’t imagine it would be any good.” SCHUYLER: “Yeah, I don’t actually kill anyone.” GM: “He pulls out an old style quill.” SCHUYLER: “What, there is such a thing as a new style quill.” CHRIS: “Its an absolutely valid statement.” SCHUYLER: “No it isn’t…its like there are old quills and new quills. Like there are great advances in quill technology.” CHRIS: “It’s a valid statement, you’re just misinterpreting it.” CAM (to Schuyler): “Why are you such a bitch?” SCHUYLER: “Its like having and old style key…oh wait…” GM: “Wow…” CONAN: “Schuyler 0, Group 1.” CONAN: “I go to the orphanage and pick up some kids with these coupons.” SCHUYLER: “Buy 1, get 1 for food.” CAM: “Eat your weight in orphans.” 08/27/07 GM: “The Pagus are not really keeping score…Its like Team A has 24 points and Team B has C” CONAN: “20 points to Ham.” CAM: “B5 to C2. You’ve sunk my scrabbleship.” GM: “So you stand at the front of the church and start the service. Roll diplomacy.” CONAN: “Or Perform…” GM: “Or Perform…not intimidation.” CHRIS: “No…unless it’s a catholic service.” GM: “Ooooo.” GM: “Okay, Cam enters the room and show a dancing trophy, “They’re just giving these away” and he walks on. A few seconds later, Schuyler appears and passes the room. He holds up a woman’s unconious body by her head’s hair, “They’re just giving these away…” SCHUYLER: “They say your porn name is your first pets name and the street you grew up on.” GM: “Tiger Tavares.” CONAN: “Larry Eastwood” SCHUYLER: “Barret Gunarm.” CONAN: “Frodo…Frodo…Mchobbiton?” CAM: “This is getting more laime.” CONAN: “Yeah, cause is started out as a masterpiece.” GM: “No one’s brains naturally explode.” 07/29/07 GM: “Its true…some groups spelled wizard with a “Y”…Wyzard.” CHRIS: “It’s a stupid as women who spell it with a “Y”…I just want to smack them. And women who spell it that way REALLY don’t like that” CONAN: “Yeah cause normal women totally welcome it.” CONAN: “Do as I say Lieutenant.” SCHUYLER: “I am not a lieutenant anymore.” CONAN: “No?” SCHUYLER: “I’m Captain, I got promoted when I changed my name.” GM: “It’s like finding a monkey in a rainforest…from Jupiter.” GM: “That sphere is made of the exact same stuff as the dagger shard you guys found on that planet.” MIKE: “Exactly the same material, shape, and form?” GM (Pause): “Well…not shape and form?” MIKE (Longer pause): “...right…” GM: “One’s a sphere, the other is a dagger…” MIKE: “Right…” CONAN: “I tell Abraski to do it.” GM: “Abraski is not pleased about it.” CONAN: “And I double check his math to. Make sure he is not trying to fuck me on the equations. 4+2+douchebag=son of a bitch!!” 07/11/07 SCHUYLER: “BURP Yeah…two lasagnas for the price of one.” CONAN: “If you don’t chew it, it doesn’t count.” CAM: “Have you ever walked down wooden stairs with whool socks…its like slipping and falling on ice...17 times.” CHRIS: “Building a black gate is a bad idea. What if demons come out?” CONAN: “Don’t worry. I can control it.” CAM: “You can’t even control urinating…” CONAN: “We’re gong to change the Kwan class.” GM: “What part?” CONAN: "The abilities. Change everything.” GM: “Oh really” CONAN: “Well not really…I just want to take the entries and remove them.” GM (short pause): “Isn’t that exactly the same thing you just said…” CAM: “He finally found my dice bag.” GM: “Where was it?” CONAN: “Go ahead….tell them.” CAM: “He found them in his shoe.” GM: “His shoe?” CAM: “--Which was in his couch.” GM: “Why was a shoe in your couch.” CONAN: “--You see, that’s the question people SHOULD be asking!” 06/26/07 SCHUYLER: “Chronicles of Narnia II…Narnier.” GM: “We’ll use a compressed tachyon beam.” CONAN: “Vodoo…gotcha…” GM: “You see that locked vase in the corner?” CONAN: “Yeah?” GM: “Open it.” CONAN: “It…isn’t for peeing?” CONAN: “How many are left?” GM: “Well…maybe 1.” CONAN: “That’s not a question with that kind of answer.” CAM: “Is that up to and including zero?” SCHUYLER: “I reach into my bag and pull out a….a….a…BAT. I throw it at it.” GM: “You throw the bat at the bad guy?” SCHUYLER: “Yeah…what with the bats and all?…” GM: “So perform a search check, Conan.” CONAN: “Hmm? Nikes?” GM: “There is nothing I said which sounds anything like…Nikes…” GM: “Isn’t that right?” CONAN: “What?” CHRIS: “What?” CAM: (BURP)!! GM: “…Usually I go to Cam for the intelligence.” 06/17/07 (The image shows a towering castle with bats flying out of it) SCHUYLER: “We should be cautious…don’t leave the horses here…” CHRIS: “Why?” SCHUYLER: “What with the bats and all.” CONAN: “Oh god…its funny cause its true…” SCHUYLER: “I’ll get a Propane torch and burn all your eyes out.” CONAN: “I’ld like to see that.” SCHUYLER: “You wouldn’t…” (Conan laughs) CONAN: “Oh god, I laughed at that…” CHRIS: “And you can’t take it back!” CONAN: “I know I can’t.” GM: “Hah ha, Hah hah—” (stops suddenly) SCHUYLER: “You get it? Because—“ CAM: “YEAH, NO, we get it!” SCHUYLER: “I can run as fast as the horses.” GM: “Not with the Mount swiftness spell.” CONAN: “Just cast the spell on him.” CHRIS: “You can’t. It only work on animals.” CONAN: “Yeah, cast the spell on him.” CHRIS: “Animals…creatures with an Intelligence score 3 or less.” CONAN: “Yeah, cast the spell on him.” CAM: “You see, that, I saw coming.” SCHUYLER: “Aha…I run fast!” CAM: “Oh god, I hit him with a pie!” MIKE: “I like pie…” CAM: “…Okay…THAT I didn’t see coming…” CONAN: “So, I tell the dire bear to charge into the room with the Orcs. When he enters, I cast light on him…It should scare them.” GM: “How?” CONAN: “Intimidate.” CHRIS: “Bears don’t have an intimidate skill.” CONAN: “Are you telling me they won’t be scared by a giant glowing bear!?” SCHUYLER: “Oh GOD, it’s the second coming of bear jesus!!” 04/15/07 CONAN: “How much noise does a dire bear make? CAM: “All of it…” CHRIS: “What, you can’t turn into a Dragon anymore?” CONAN: “No…” MIKE: “Did you not suck the right cock?” SCHUYLER: “These Pagus…are making me thirsty!” GM: “What would a Kwan cloak be made out of, you think?” CONAN: “What do you mean?” GM: “What is it made out of? CONAN: “Lead…Probably lead…Lead and babies.” CAM: “I Draw a pair of daggers.” SCHUYLER: “You have pencil and paper?” (Long pause) SCHUYLER: “…get it!” CAM: “OH MY GOD!!” SCHUYLER: “I blame that entirely on everyone else.” CONAN: “Oh great, the guy who designed it totally forgot how it worked” SCHUYLER: “I breath on it.” CHRIS: “Luckily, it has Damage reduction 10/ Halitosis.” 03/31/07 CAM: “This what happens when you act like a retard, you don’t get invited to dinner.” SCHUYLER: “Yeah, I would throw food on the walls.” There are two Argus vessels, the HMS and the TBA CAM: “Retire to the Argus.” SCHUYLER: “Which one?” CAM (loud, faking a dumb, redneck laugh): “HEHUHEHUHUH!” GM: “You emerge from the gate and are hit with a crosswind that suddenly decelerates you at 20Gs.” CAM: “He just got turned into a pulled pork sandwich.” GM: “Did you get much sleep last night?” CONAN (looks up from book): “Hmmm? Cheese?” The group is ambushed on a train by a ninja-golem with two blades and a bad attitude. Very quickly, the fight turns bad. The group pushes the golem on a rear train car and detaches the car. The golem leaps over to the group again and the fight continues. The two main fighters are near death. In the back, the druid chants something in secret. The fight continues badly…until a four armed ape creature called a Girallon appears behind the golem, screams, grapples the golem, and jumps off the back of the train. Suffice to say the group is a little…surprised… CHRIS: “Well…good thing that APE showed up…” SCHUYLER: “Did a monkey just appear and save our life?” CONAN: “Fairly good use of Gorilla Mechanics.” CAM: “Heh, Gorilla Warfare.” CONAN: “I’ve had enough of the puns.” GM: “Okay so the two fall off and roll around on the tracks. The ape looks up…it survived…” CONAN: “Thumbs up—“ GM: “—and then the train you detached approaches from behind…SPLAT!!” CONAN (eyes open): “…My god is so angry with me…” 03/25/07 CONAN: “Why did those monsters attack…they want to kill you?” GM (playing a woman): “Yes.” CONAN: “Why?” GM: “They are attracted to people like me?” SCHUYLER: “I am attracted to people like you and I don’t kill you…” MIKE: “Roll dice and do something you piece of shit!” SCHUYLER: “I could fire my megabeam.” GM: “You fire the megabeam, you’ll saw the island in half.” GM: “Well, some Fuyranis are ok.” CAM: (imitates pointing a gun): “Do you work for Giros? (Imitating a prisoner) Yeah. BLAM!! (Imitates pointing to another prisoner) You work for Giros? (Imitates prisoner) No. BLAM!!! (Imitates pointing to another prisoner) You work for Giros? (Imitates prisoner, who jibbers incoherently) Uhubabubahuhahbuba! CONAN: “Crom Laugh at your four winds.” SCHUYLER: “My god rules the sky.” CONAN: “…That is significantly better than Crom.” SCHUYLER: “It is.” CONAN: “I would like to subscribe to your newsletter.” CAM (to Schuyler): “We’re discussing religion with the Muslim Cleric. Want to join in?” CONAN: “Tell us about Buddha?” SCHUYLER: “Well, they kicked the Dali Lama out…and…then…China moved in…” CAM: “Why don’t you worship Llamas?” 03/19/07 CAM: “How much?” GM (as Merchant): “50 gp.” (Cam rolls Diplomacy. He rolls well) CAM: “Do better.” GM: “10 each.” CAM: “3 for 30…” (pause) GM: “….deal…” (yet another pause) CHRIS: “He just said 10.” CAM: “I didn’t hear that.” CONAN: “We can open a balck gate…we know how…those scientists on that planet could do it. They told us they could right before they died…” (a short pause) CONAN: “Ohh right!” CHRIS: “…right after we burned all their papers…” CONAN: “Oh…” SCHUYLER: “I think we should take the ship for ourselves.” CAM: “You don’t get a vote lieutenant--” CONAN: “--And my bathroom is still not clean.” SALEENA: “Why are you here.” SCHUYLER: “Blow Jobs…” CHRIS: “I pull out my sword.” SCHUYLER: “…and he bursts into gay…I mean flame.” (Cam shakes his head) CAM: “Why do you exist?” GM: “There’s movement in the distance.” MIKE: “I rouse everybody.” CONAN: “God that’s hot.” SCHUYLER: “You see something Lassie?!” 03/07/07 GM: “So Teryn casts Hide from Undead.” CAM: “Okay…so don’t touch ANYTHING.” (LATER) GM: ““You enter a room, there are six pillars…on each one a corpse is splayed across.” SCHUYLER: “I touch one.” CAM: “What? Don’t touch it!” SCHUYLER: “Whatever…(poke)” GM: “It opens its eyes and attacks you!” CONAN: “Zombies!” SCHUYLER: “Wait…I though the cleric had the spell so they don’t pick us up?” CHRIS: “You touched one….it dispels it.” SCHUYLER: “I didn’t know that!” CAM: “I told you not to touch anything!” SCHUYLER: “I didn’t hear that part.” CAM: “I thought she was dead.” SCHUYLER: “If her rack’s alive, its all good.” CONAN: “I took the hit on the shield…well, by shield, I mean face.” SCHUYLER: “Of GOD the WALLS ARE CLOSING IN!” CAM: “Those are children.” SCHUYLER: “GAAAAAARRRR!!!” CONAN: “I check the radar.” GM: “Make a spot check.” CONAN (rolls): “…Umm…Oh look…tomatoes SCHUYLER: “We’re already their enemies. They just don’t know it yet.”