OR

    Role Playing sometimes generates humorous results.  These are those results, after 15 years of role playing.  Of course, only later in life, did our little ramblings end up being funny outside of our circle of friends.  Here are the famous quotes of these games through the years.  Some are Generic Role Playing quotes from games I sat in for short periods of time.  However, many originate from the three most popular games on this website:  Alien Fuzion, Amethyst, and Pathfinder.  Amethyst, being currently played, begins at the top.  WARNING:  The following pages do contain language.

CHRIS: “Its totally useless me being inside the enemy docking bay. I can’t do enough damage.”
CONAN: “How many kills does it have?”
GM: “400.”
CONAN: “How much damage can you do in a round?”
CHRIS: “180.”
CONAN: “So only half the ship is damaged in a round. WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?”
CHRIS: “I can do that outside.”
CONAN: “No..outside, you still miss on a 1 and 2.”
CAM: “I can’t belive I only AUTOMATICALLY HIT.”

CAM: “Pass the three-hole punch.”
SCHUYLER: “I’ll show you a three hole punch.”
CAM: “Three new holes or three old holes?”

CAM: “Find, you stay, Nikita and I will debrief Issac.”
CHRIS: “But he’s already not wearing pants…”

SCHUYLER: “Oh Jesus, why don’t you get captured and bitch about it some more!”
MIKE: “You know what, I will!!!”

CHRIS: “He already has a scythe.”
GM: <Sigh>
CAM: “Oh that’s awful.”

GM: “You see what looks like a Glibbering Mouther that has had its skin wrapped around a humanoid skeleton. This massive beast can be seen lumbering away in another direction.”
CONAN: “I may be grasping at straws, but my instinct says we should leave it alone.”
SCHUYLER: “He may just be taking home a jug of milk for the wife.”

CONAN: “Owned! Hoisted by his own PICARD!!”

GM: “You have been called by Queen”
CONAN: “Queen…they’re still around.”
CAM: “Freddy Mercury’s back.”
CONAN: “Zombie Mercury.”

GM: “Aiden Romanov steps forward. Yes Mischa named one his children after Aiden.”
CONAN: “Must be one of the girls…”
GM: “No, HE is one of the larger men.”
SCHUYLER: “I want to wrestle him.”
CONAN: “Boy, that’s not gay.”

GM: “You bird flies back.”
MIKE: “What did you see?”
GM: “KAKAAW!”
MIKE: “We can communicate.”
CONAN: “KAKAAW! What is it? KAKAAW!! Angry? KAKAAW! Aroused?”

GM: “He has the floor.”
CONAN: “PUT IT BACK!”
MIKE: “I can walk on walls. He can have it.”

GM: “Well, Teryn can contact the queen.”
CAM: “She’s here?”
TERYN: “Yes, I am. I thought I was the one that was blind.”
CAM: “Holy Shit! Where’d you come from?”

GM: “Okay, you lift the monster off of Byss.”
CAM: “I’ve been freshly squeezed.”

SCHUYLER: “I’ve always wanted to be eaten by spiders…no wait, no I don’t.”

CAM: “Oh god, this is going to be just like that scene in Last Starfighter where the guys head melted away isn’t it?”

CAM: “We need a solution to rescue Issac.”
CONAN: “Nah, just let him escape on his own.”
CAM: “He’s not here so the player cannot escape.”
CONAN: “Ahh, let just assume he escapes on his own.”

CHRIS: “Are we going to be honorable?”
CONAN: “No—“
CHRIS: “…or assholes?”
CONAN: “Yes.”

GM: “We need a tactics roll…who has ranks.”
CAM: “I have six.”
CHRIS: “Eight.”
SCHUYLER: “I have nineteen in Tactics.”
CAM: “Jesus Fucking Christ.”

CAM: “Look!”
Schuyler looks at Cam
CAM: “Don’t look at the HAND! Look where I am pointing!”

SCHUYLER: “Are you addicted to rage-ahol.”

SCHUYLER: “He really sworded you pretty good.”

CONAN: “Who was he?”
CAM: “He played that pirate in Pirates of the Carribean.”
CONAN (sarcastic and deadpan): “That’s amazing…”

CONAN: “We need to go to the Yarix ship to warn them.”
CAM: “Just call them.”
CONAN: “Oh right, this is future. We have phones!”

GM: “You have a spark in your—“
CONAN: “Spork?”
GM: “Spark!”
CONAN: “Ohhhh!!!!”
CONAN: “No you have the clever blending of fork and spoon. INGENIOUS!!”
CAM: “I don’t know to stab you with my fork or gouge your eyes out with a spoon. There are so many options!”

(Chris’s Character is named Seiki)
CAM: “We need four pilots to go along with you.”
CONAN: “Fine, I’ll take three of our good friends…and Seiki….”

SCHUYLER: “Let’s split up!”
CAM: “NO, Retard!”
SCHUYLER: “We can cover more ground.”
CAM: “Are you insane! Have you not learned anything from….anything!?”
SCHUYLER: “I am just saying it would be faster.”
CONAN: “NO RETARD!”
SCHUYLER: “FINE!”

GM: “What are you wearing?”
SCHUYLER: “I am wearing a megabeam.”

CHRIS: “I just heard from my wife.”
CONAN: “You have a wife?”
GM: “Lay off the guy.”
CHRIS: “Yes”
CONAN: “You’re male!?”
GM: “Leave it--”
SCHUYLER: “Their Lesbians.”
GM: “Jesus, guys. Drop it and move on!!”

SCHUYLER: “Which one is more hurt?”
GM: “You can’t tell.”
SCHUYLER: “I can’t?”
GM: “Make a spot check.”
SCHUYLER: “7…Grog not know which one hurt more…”

GM: “You cleave through the Ninja like a hot knife…through Ninja.”

(After Conan’s Druid casts flame wall.)
GM: “Now you need to escape…”
CONAN: “I jump through the fire.”
CHRIS: “Why don’t you dispel it.”
CONAN: “Oh yeah.”

GM: “Teryn is here as well.”
CONAN: “I flank with her.”
CAM: “I am already flanking with her.”
CONAN: “Can I flank with her this round and you can have her next round?”
SCHUYLER: “You get sloppy seconds.”

CONAN: “Anything behind us?”
GM: “No—“
CONAN: “They’re after us.”

SCHUYLER: “I’m gonna punch him so hard, he’s gonna wish I never punched him!!”

SCHUYLER: “What a clever remark.”
CAM: “Savor the delicate flavor.”
SCHUYLER: “Roll it around my mouth.”
CONAN: “I’ll roll something around your mouth..”

CAM: “I thought you were supposed to interrogate him?”
CONAN: “If he is allowed to talk, I don’t know what to do.”
CAM: “It’s been fifteen minutes.”
CONAN: “I would be done by now if you let me hurt him!”

CHRIS: “I promise I will not touch the ancient holy relic.”
CAM: “No, yeah. I don’t believe you.”

CAM: “I ask him about the Oracle. Oh right, it’s a new day, I get my psi powers back.”
GM: “He seems to not want to talk about it.”
CAM: “…And now I don’t…”

CAM (to Schuyler): Take some of these Refugees to the doctor to look at them.”
SCHUYLER: “Okay, I take the cutest ones…”
GM: “Okay, you bring them both to the doctor. She examines them. After a while, she starts reporting…”
DOCTOR: “That’s amazing…they have the same diffraction pattern in their bones as we do meaning they were developed from Magic as well. Which means it’s highly unlikely they can contract human disease.”
SCHUYLER: “So they’re clean…I mean healthy?

Chris and Schuyler leave the gaming room. Later, Chris returns and reenters the game…
CHRIS: “Anyways…”
CAM: “You are not here!”
CHRIS: “When did I leave?”
CAM: “I told you to go?”
CHRIS: “This is what I miss when I go for a drink.”
GM: “Okay so Kazaan mutters to calm the conversation, It’s my fault for mixing politics and wine.”
CHRIS: “I agree, but his comments—“
CAM: “You’re not here!”
CHRIS: “FUCK!”

CAM: “I played him like two dudes on one side of an air hockey table.”

CAM: “We need to sneak by.”
CONAN: “We will go by ducts.”
SCHUYLER: “Why buy ducks? What purpose would that serve?”
CAM: “Can you try harder for comic relief!”

CAM: “I sleep with my bag.”
CONAN: “I thought that was implied.”

CONAN (To Schuyler): “You’re so stupid!”
SCHUYLER: “You’re stupid looking!”
CONAN: “God damn, does your MOM write your jokes?”
The GM starts writing the quote down…
SCHUYLER: “Don’t write that down!”

CONAN: “There are 40 houses in Kuraukou.”
GM: “60 now.”
CONAN: “Okay 60.”
GM: “Two are Reptillan.”
CONAN: “From inbreeding?”

CAM: “You are afflicted with dismay.”

Chris draws his sword.
CHRIS: “I never give up my weapon.”
CONAN: “So what’s so great about your sword?”
Foom!! The blade erupts in flames. Chris lets is burn for a moment before deactivating…
CONAN: “Okay, then…”

SCHUYLER: “Hey that was funny…”

CONAN: “You got nothing on the previous quote page.”

CAM: “Iceland is what happens when you leave a small group of human on an island for a thousand years. You have a small gene pool…and then you dump herring in it.”

GM: “Okay…critical success. Take 15 kills with no armor.”
SCHUYLER: “Holy crap…you crit my grandma!”

SCHUYLER: “Ouch…You hit me right in the pilot!”

SCHUYLER: “Three rounds up. Weapon is charged.”
CONAN: “Fire the megabeam. SURPRISE COCKFAG!!”

CAM: “I hit him in the gooch!”

CHRIS: “Don’t you have like those super rations…like Miracle food.”
GM: “He has Miracle whip…”
SCHUYLER: “Also useful for drywall paste.”

GM: “He just knocked him out”
SCHUYLER: “Who was that?”
GM: “Phillip.”
SCHUYLER: “What’s this place called?”
GM: “Phillip’s”
SCHUYLER: “Fuck…”

SCHUYLER: “I grab one guys head with one hand and another with another head and smash them together.”
CHRIS: “Flurry of blows allows you to do that.”
SCHUYLER: “You grab their heads like the coconut and you smash them all up…You grab their heads like the coconut and you smash them all up…”
GM: “I thought you were a peaceful monk.”
CONAN (imitating Schuyler): “I want peace!” <Huge clapping motions>. Yeah, I appreciate how hard you’re workin at this; <More clapping motions> “LOVE EACH OTHER NOW! Be Happy! Be Happy!”

CHRIS: “I throw my sword into the wall. Maybe that will deter them.”
GM: “Make an intimidation roll.”
CHRIS: “11”
GM: “OK, the sword passes through the wall and into the bathroom.”
CHRIS: “What?!”
CONAN: “Yeah, some help you guys are, He bought a round of drinks and he threw his sword into the washroom.”
CHRIS: “I was not aware the walls were that bad.”
CONAN: “You threw the sword into the can…OCCUPIED!!! OCCUPIED!!”

GM: “Okay…battle over. What now?”
CAM: “I gather information.”
SCHUYLER: “I gather teeth.”

SCHUYLER: “I want Orange Juice…”
GM: “Oh…Thanks…for a second I thought you said horsejuice…”

GM: “Okay the final blow of a flurry is dealt and the Hydra dies.”
CECE: “I want an autopsy.”
CONAN: “Why?”
CECE: “I want to know which one of us killed it!”
GM: “Okay…hmm…oddly enough it drowned…”

CHRIS: “Rocks float.”
CONAN: “Do they?”
CHRIS: “Very small rocks float.”
GM: “Some volcanic rocks float.”
SCHUYLER: “Fossilized dung floats…”
…no response from anyone…

CHRIS: “Be quiet for five minutes and you get to go to heaven.”
CONAN: “When does that start?”

CHRIS: “My weapon is charged up.”
CONAN: “And I am loaded.”
CHRIS: “Wouldn’t it be better if you weren’t drunk?”

<Flipping through the PHB, finds a section on getting in and out of armor>
SCHUYLER: “Hmm…Don Hastily.”
CONAN: “Who the fuck is Don Hastily?
<Long pause>
SCHUYLER: “Donning armor normally and hastily!”
CONAN: “Oh.”
GM: “You actually thought there was a guy in the Players Handbook named Don Hastily? “Who the fuck is Don Hastily?!”

SCHUYLER: “We’re not going to judge you…we just fucking hate queers.”

SCHUYLER: “You can shut the hell up…but you won’t!!”

SCHUYLER: “Come on! Daddy needs a new pair of killing that guy!”

CONAN: “They can’t be well known cause I never heard of them!”
CHRIS: “Cause you have a tiny brain!”
MIKE: “Lust like your balls!”
CONAN: “Ohhh…schnapp!!!”

CONAN: “For gods sake, take the bag of dicks out of your mouth an annunciate you mongolo!!”

CHRIS: “This will feel like peaches n’; cream bitch.”
CHRIS: “You want to live forever?!!
CONAN: “Umm…little bit.”

CHRIS (Fighter): “Fuck, I can’t roll well.”
CONAN (Healer): “Fuck you, I almost killed a man.”

Nikita: "IT’S A MECHA! By definition its not real. So I want one--"
GM: "Yeah…weilding axes..."
Nikita: "So…mecha is not real…so who cares about an axe?"
GM: "
So…we have this big super advanced culture that can build Mechs…and we put…I don’t know…lets put an Axe on it."
Nikita: "Shit yeah!"
GM: "Hm….Why not a laser. Or some other kind of gun."
Nikita: "How about a gun that fires Axes!"
GM: "That’s more dumb. You are going to make a gun…that fires axes! Wouldn’t there be an issue of ammo?"
Nikita: "Make it a big gun…"
GM: "….that fires axes…You’re the warrior from Gauntlet, you know that?"=
Nikita: "How about an energy gun that fires bolts of energy shaped like axes."
GM: "Fuck off…"
Nikita: "Why not?"
GM: "Righht…so a scientist is going to make a weapon--"
Nikita: "COULD HAPPEN!"
GM: "Hey Jimmy…about that gun you made. I am all about the destruction and all…but don’t you think you could have spent your time just making a laser and not a laser that fire axe shaped chunks of light."
Nikita: "Well frank there made a mecha."
GM: "No Axe."
Nikita: "Fuck no…I want two. Coming out the sides. And one in the head."
GM: "Why—"
Nikita: "Even better have a hand in the head that throws the axe. Like his head splits open and a little head pops up."
GM: "Listen to yourself. I seriously think that no part of your brain is actuall doing the talking. The Right brain goes to the left, “What are you saying?” and the left brain goes…”I dunno, I thought you were doing the talking.” “Well if you are not…and I am not…then the hell are we speaking?!”
Nikita: "--Or an axe that transforms into an even bigger axe…oh NOO…I am the axe. Someone just throws me…or my arms detatch and throw me."
GM: "Kinda an inertia issue on that one."
Nikita: "Make a bigger mech that throws me."
GM: "Then why are you in the mech…kinda useless now, aren’t you. And where we going to egt the giant mecha that throws the smaller mech shaped like an axe?"
Nikita: "I dunno…that your problem."
GM: "And if you miss…you are basically out of it."
Nikita: "Now way…cause then I just detonate the nuke."
GM: "YOU DON’T HAVE A NUKE!"
Nikita: "I’ll pay for it."
GM: "You can’t afford it."
Nikita: "Yes I can."
GM: "It would cost so much, you would would not have enough to make a mecha with two axes…or even one...
GM: ":"...So you have an axe shaped mecha wielding two axes with a gun that fires minature axes. So…you have a mecha…with two axes…and a gun…with a 10 round warm up time….and you’re complaining I make gay designs…"

CAM (GM): "The Vardash comes down. It doesn’t really cleave the man's skull. The 60 lbs blade crushes his skull...like...
CHRIS: "--Like you know Gallagher...you know the comic Gallagher? Just picture him....getting HIT with a Vardash!"

(An army approaches the gates)
GUARD ONE: "Hey Bob. How much are you paid?"
GUARD TWO: "25 an hour. You?"
ONE: "Same…worth it?"
TWO: "Nope…"
ONE: "Agreed."

CHRIS: "I have this overpowering temptation to go to a big America city and pelt street peformers with Canadian Nickels."

MIKE: "I tell them to stop fighting."
CAM: "What do you say?"
MIKE: "Hey you...STOP FIGHTING!"
CAM: "Make your diplomacy roll."
MIKE: "22"
CAM: "Your diplomacy roll translates your speech to say something better."

CHRIS: "Can you call for help?"
CONAN: "HELP!!"
CHRIS: "I could have done that!!"

CAM: "Okay…by the end of the night, you all end up at the same place..."
CONAN: "...Prison?"

CONAN: "I never wanted to fling poop in your eyes more."

BEN: "Hey is 'Beardo' here with his 'spooge' gun?"

GREG: “Don’t take his head off now.”
BEN: “He’s a cyborg, I’ll just screw it back on.”
GREG: “Its not a lugnut.”
SHARRON: “You give him a Benectomy!”

GM: “I don’t think that’s possible.”
SHARRON: “Just break the laws…of…meat.”

GREG: “We’ll need cops to guard the exits.”
BEN: “Yeah…get some cannon fodder.”
SHARRON: “We’ll get experience for the when they die, right?”
GM: “You don’t get experience for sending others to there deaths.”
SHARRON: “HORSESHIT!”

GM: “What happened to his eye?”
SHARRON: “He was hit in the eye with a pig anus.”
GM: “Pardon?!”
SHARRON: “It’s a gummy treat.”
GM: “Thank god.”
SHARRON: “Whats amazing is that he had his hand out. It just phased right through his hand.”

BEN: “We could cross nuts with tobacco…”
SHARRON: “Tobbacnuts!!”

BEN: “Go through the windows.”
GM: “Its bulletproof.”
BEN: “GO through the neihbor’s window and go through the wall.”
SHARRON: “Think about that for a second.”

GREG: “We go in stealthy.”
GM: “OK…you see the living room and kitchen. Its empty. Two doors lead to bedrooms.”
BEN: “Whats in the Fridge. Open the fridge…whats in it.”
GM: “Not much…just a few cans of cavier.”
GREG: “Oh, I eat them. I tear them open and throw the cans away.”
<Greg mouth gapes in awe>
GM: “…And Greg is stunned silent…”
GREG: “My God…why did we hire you?!”
BEN: “Hey, I have an Int 10.”
GREG: “Int 10 doesn’t mean stupid!”
BEN: “They’re obviously not here.”:
GREG: “WE CHECKED TWO ROOMS!”
BEN: “And I checked the Fridge.”
SHARRON: “Fridge clear, Ben?”

GM: “You blow past the barriers like…”
GREG: “…like a fat man brushing past the lettuce in the buffet.”

GREG: “Its too much. He’s too powerfull You’re not ready?”
SHARRON: “Not ready? I’m ninth level…”

GREG: “Maybe she had a kid?”
GM: “I doubt it. She was dedicated to her work.”
GREG: “That didn’t mean she didn’t want to get plowed.”

GREG: “Hey…Hey…stop finger fucking my book!”

GM: “The doors name has been scratched off. Its been replaced by a single word. PAIN”
GREG: “Is there a room called HAPPY? Lets find that one.”
SHARRON: “Maybe its an acronym…Please Access In…Norway?”

GM: “Attack Ben…”
SHARRON (Technially under control by a Hack attack): “No way I attack the girl.”
GM: “Attack Ben…”
SHARRON: “No, I am attacking the plot point!!”

GREG: “You know, its actually cheaper in Africa to buy and throw away an AK-47 then there is to reload it because the weapons come with a clip. You could just toss it away.
BEN: "Just fire it until its empy and grab another.
SHARRON: “Kinda make transport difficult.”
BEN: “Fuck no, I’ll just build a robot that follows me around carrying AK-47s.”
GREG: “Listen to what you just said…you want to build a robot that carries AK-47s. Why don’t you just put…I don’t know…a laser…on this robot.”

SHARRON: “Like a religeos emperior…like…Popeltine!”
GREG: “Popeltine…sounds like a drink mix.”
SHARRON: “Drink Popeltine…so you can grow up to be a big and strong pope!”

BEN: “I point my railcannon at the driver and I scream for him to get out of the jeep.”
DRIVER: “Your railcannon is out of ammo!”
SHARRON: “Son, I want you to think real hard about what you just said.”

BEN: “My Raicannon’s name is Lucille.”
SHARRON: ”Isn’t your pistol Lucille?”
BEN: “Yeah…”
SHARRON: “You named your Railcannon after your other gun?”

GM: “How much damage do you do?”
BEN: “Sixny two.”
GM: “Sixny two?”
GREG: “Can you not pronounce anything right?”

GM: “Okay, the 10 mm Gattling cannon hits you, Ben.”
BEN: “How much?”
<GM rolls…>
GM: “56 points of damage.”
<Ben holds in shock>
GM: “Just throw that character out…then make another character and throw that one out two.”
GREG: “The damage kills you and your next character.”

<Sharron hangs the bad guy out of the helicopter.>
SHARRON: “Can you SWIM!?”
<He tosses him out, he lands on concrete.>
SHARRON: “Too bad, cause THAT AIN’T WATER!!”

GM: “What are you guys doing tomorrow.”
GREG: “Yelling Woot.”
SHARRON & GREG: “WOOT!!!”

SHARRON: “My attack bonus is 11.”
GREG: “Mine’s 2.”
SHARRON: “Well, that includes everything though.”
GREG: “…mine’s 2.”

GREG: “We get on the boat.”
SHARRON: “We have a boat?”
GREG: “What did you think we were on?”
SHARRON: “I thought we just rode Ben’s back and paddled.”

SHARRON: “Did anybody survive Brett’s team?”
GM: “Yeah, two guys.”
GREG: “Their names?”
GM: “Bob…and…um…Billy…”
GREG: “Redcoats.”
GM: “Well, Billy’s wife is expecting their second child. They are both good friends really. They have a fishing trip planned to Alberta next week. Its Bob’s birthday and it somewhat of a tradition. They are both married and hang out often. Bob is also retiring in three days. Billy has organized a retirement party they are going to throw the moment they return from this perilous mission.
GREG: “Yeah, why don’t we just hold them back and see what happens.”
SHARRON: “Great, they’ll just die of their own accord.”
GREG: “A gator kills them.”
SHARRON: “Or one gets scurvy and tries to eat the other.”
GREG: “And we have to put him down for the betterment of mankind.”
SHARRON: “Does Scurvey even make someone do that?”

SHARRON: “Meat Seeking Missiles!!”

BEN: “That’s a pretty rich Hobo.”
HOBO: “Thank You!”
BEN: “SHUT UP! That’s a pretty rich hobo.”

GREG: “Okay, there are three Wetwear computers in Japan. Ben, that’s your job to find them.”
BEN: “There are three computers?”
GREG: “Yes…”
BEN: “Where?”
<pause>
GREG: “That’s your job!!”

GREG: “We need to find this Doctor. He’s hiding somewhere in the forests of Columbia.”
SHARRON: “That should be easy to find.”
GREG: “You think so?”
SHARRON: “Just look from space…he has a fucking computer…and I assume a lab full of flying monkeys.”

SHARRON: “I kick him in the junk!”
GM: “Its an android…it has no junk.”
SHARRON: “No junk?”
GM: “Well…maybe sausage, but no potatoes.”
BEN: “He’s got prizes…but no cash!”

SHARRON: “Luckily I called my contacts and they know we are coming.”
GM: “Did you?”
SHARRON: “I thought that was obvious.”
GM: “Nope…anything else?”
SHARRON: “In that case, I also poop before I leave.”

SHARRON: Ben, pump off a couple.”
BEN: “Never say pump off to me again.”

SHARRON: “How do you do a trip?”
BEN (Seriously thinking they are helpful): “Trip attack.”
GREG (Actually seriously thinking they are helpful): “Yeah, trip attack.”
(Pause)
SHARRON: “That is the most useless thing you have ever said.”

(Ben is asked to roll. He throws the die. It does not spin in the air and lands without jostle nor deviation. He rolls a 1)
BEN: “Wow…I think fate decided that rolled before I rolled it.”

SHARRON: “We need to be quiet and stealthy.”
BEN: “Sooo, no .50 Cal?”
SHARRON: “No .50 cal.”

BEN: “Do you want to lend me 17 000 xp?”
SHARRON: “Do you want to die in a car fire?”

SAKO: “Wait a minute, what happens to me if we fail.”
SHARRON: “You won’t feel a thing?”
SAKO: “What?!”
BEN: “He’s joking, Captain. Don’t worry. We will take you out….of the country.”

ROY: “We got a space dumper rocket that fires nuclear waste into the sun. And we have Heroion.”
GREG: “What does it mean? How do they connect?”
ROY: “I think its safe to say they are not firing Heroin into the sun!”

GREG: “So whats the deal with Sunzec. They are a mining corporation.”
BEN: “They’re digging holes?”
GREG: “That’s stupid.”
BEN: “Their digging holes to China?”
GREG: “That’s still stupid.”
(pause)
BEN: “….They’re robbing banks?”

ROY: “Okay….I will deal with Sunzec. Greg, you handle Okura. Ben, you deal with the Drugs.”
BEN (long pause): “…Drugs…?”
(longer pause)
ROY: “…Yes, DRUGS!!”

GREG: “Whats his name…Ibo…”
GM (correcting): “Kawai.”
GREG: “Oh right.”
GM: “Wow, you didn’t get a single part of that right.”

ROY: “I jump behind him and….with the….you know…”
GM (correcting): “Choryform him?”
ROY: “Yeah…so that’s the word. All I have written down here is Stinky Rag.”
GM: “Oh god, he farted in this!”
GREG: “What did you eat!?”
ROY: “I probably just snatched one of the Major’s panties.”

GM: “I played Axis and Allies once…I think I got second.”
ROY: “So you lost.”
GM: “There were more than two players.”
ROY: “There are only two sides….AXIS…and ALLIES.”
GM: “Then I lost.”
ROY: “What were you playing then….Axis & Allies & Indians!”
BEN: “Axis & Allies & Indians &…uhh…UFOs.”
GREG: “Axis & Allies & the wife, the cook, and her lover.”

GREG: “Oh god is that a “Ho Ho?!”
BEN: “Whats a Ho Ho?”
ROY: “Its like a Ding-Dong.”
GM: “Ding Dong?!”
BEN: “Why have a Ding Dong when you can have King Dong”
GREG: “What?”
BEN: “It’s real.”
ROY: “They thought Ding Dong wasn’t enough, so they made King Dong.”
GM: “That is so awesome.”

GM: “What’s your contact’s name?”
BEN: “I never gave him a name.”
ROY: “And you always complain about not having any role playing!”
GM: “Just give me a Japanese name.”
BEN: “Taka…”
GM: “Full name.”
BEN: “…Sharkattacka…”
GM: “Taka Sharkattacka. No way….something better.”
BEN: “Taka….Itsinmypantsa”

ROY: “Anyone for Blizzards?”
GREG: “Yes.”
BEN: “No, I can’t. I ate.”
ROY: “Just go take a SHIT!”
BEN: “What…it doesn’t work that way. It shouldn’t work that way!”

ROY: “I play a hunch…are there any deadly viruses in here.”
BEN: “I won’t let you use hunch like that.”
ROY: “HORSESHIT COCK!!!!!”:

ROY: “Talk to Greg…He’s got something.”
BEN: “I don’t want it.”

GM: “You enter the hosptital and find Sharron strapped in a medical chair.”
ROY: “Yesss Clarice….”

BEN: “I go in Cafetaria and get me a pie. I just fold it half and eat in whole.”
ROY: “Oh my god, you ate the plate.”
BEN: “Its all good.”
GM: “Sir, that was a hubcap.”

PSYCHIATRIST: “So you feel resentment for being abandoned?”
BEN: “My family sold me to corporation because they couldn’t pay their bills…what do you think?”
ROY: “They had a sign, “will produce children for food””
BEN: “Damned you randomly rolled profile.”

GM: “So you think you are not allowed to speak your mind. You have opinions, I am sure.”
BEN: “Whitey is keeping me down and keeping me up at the same time…”
GREG: “…I don’t get that…”

GM: “You hear screams from the cafeteria.”
ROY: “I call up Ben….Ben…what’s going on?”
BEN: “COFFEE MACHINE BURNT MEEE!!!!”
ROY: “Ok, just checking…”

ROY: “Lets find out who wants us dead, then?”
GREG: “Well, the only lead I wanted to pursue was with the HLF.”
BEN: “Didn’t I kill them?”
ROY: “Yeaaaaaahhhh…”

GM: “Okay, the last guy falls.”
GREG: “I still have like 10 where I am”
BEN: “Don’t worry, I have lots of bullets.”
GM: “So do the walls.”

BEN: “Time for the great-jumping-up-the-stairathon!”

GM: “You kick the thug out the windows, he falls thirty stories. Falling….Falling…finally, he crashes through the truck he arrived in. Any poinent words to mark his defeat?”
BEN (best Schwanzegger accent): “Sub zero…now, plain zero!”\
GM: “Can you do a little better then that?”
BEN: “GET TO DU CHAPPAAAA!!!”

BEN: “While you are in a body cast, I write vulgarities over you….Like “I suck cock” with an arrow to your mouth.”
ROY: “With your intelligence, you’ll spell it worng…”I like dock!” Why did you spell me with a 3?”

ROY: “I attack the new guy…no…wait. I’m still engaged to the first guy.”
BEN: “Give the guy a ring, then you can be engaged to both of them.”

ROY: “I shoot once than jerk myself back down.”
GM: “How can you do that?”
GREG: “Is that physicially possible?”

GM: “One guy dies in the explosion of the bike. The other eight walk your way.”
ROY: “Okay, this is not going according to plan.”
BEN: “Good thing, your, an assassin, eh Sharron?”
ROY: “I have no weapons! No armor! All I have is a fork from a bike as a weapon
BEN: “Hey, last week on Macgyver, he made an arc welder from a car battering, jumper cables an an antennae!”

GM: “Okay, the bike explodes!”
ROY: “Wohoo! Wait, who’s bike was that?”
GM: “Gregori’s.”
ROY: “WOHOOO!!”

(Looking over the near dead Roy)
GREG: “Is he going to be okay?”
DOCTOR: “That depends…what did he look like BEFORE?”

GM: “Okay, the 7-foot tall officer moves towards you.”
ROY: “Oh great, our Lord humangous!”

GM: “What do you do?”
(Pause)
ROY: “This is Anime, right?”

BEN: “Back to the smash!”
ROY: “Paki-smash?”
BEN: “I said back to the smash!”
ROY: “Ohh…”
GREGORI: “What the fuck is wrong with you?”

GM: “Did you get the nuke?”
ROY: “Nuke?”
GM: “The Nuclear warhead. Did you get the nuclear warhead.”
ROY: “OH NUKE! I thought you said gook. We got a Korean guy in the back seat!”
GREGORI: “What?! That’s not even the right racial slur, you meathead!”

(Ben contemplates what to do with a tank attacking the group.)
BEN: “I jump on! No…wait…that’s a dumb idea…”

(A pilot looks to Roy, hanging off a piece of rebar 8 stories above the ground)
PILOT: “How did you get up there?!
ROY: “Wasn’t easy! Little help!!”

GM: “This guy was dead but he was still employed.”
GREGORI: “That’s obviously an error.”
ROY: “I want a vacation. NO…Bobs dead and he still works!!”

GM: “Did you fart?”
BEN: “No.”
GM (to Roy): “Must have been you.”
ROY: “No way, If it was me, I would have reveled in it.”
(Roy pretends to fart, then stretches his arms in victory): “YEAH!!!”

VINCENT: “Oh, My pants are sticky…and not in a good way.”

GREGORI: “He’s from England…”
ROY: “England…Japan?”
GREGORI: “How did you get this job?!”

GREGORI: “Ben was captured first.”
ROY: “They used his afro.”
BEN: “It wasn’t that bad.”
ROY: “They found you from SPACE!”

BEN: “There were two guys…identical…in two different places.”
GREGORI: “Well, he didn’t split himself in two via fission.”
ROY: “Via Fishing? Awesome, I didn’t know you could do that!”

BEN: “Maybe he has a clone? Did you check his family. Daddy cloned him maybe.”
GREGORI: “Check…who was his father?”
GM: “His father was a Geneticist.”
GREGORI: “YOU DON”T FUCKING SAY?!”

BEN: “I am almost at level 6…whats the difference between 5 and 6?”
GM: “Uhh….1…”

ROY: “I stand by my last statement.”
GM: “You like pie?”

ROY: “We need some kind of radar that picks up Cyborgs.”
BEN: “CYDAR!”
ROY: “…I hate you with my brain.”

GM: “There’s a woman on the phone…Says her name is Gemmin.”
GREGORI: “What…guys…I’ll be back in 20 minutes.”
VINCENT: “Remember, no glove, no love!!”

GM: “Okay, you shoot the giant wolf that falls to the ground.”
GREGORI: “This is not real. It must be a fabricated reality.”
ROY: “Sure…you actually shot a homeless man. Got any wine!? BLAMM!!”

ROY: “Who are our suspects?”
GM: “Well…someone who knows the machinery, or someone with skills in Genetics.”
GREGORI: “So…someone who works here…or a Biologist.”
ROY: “Damn those Biologists!!”

BEN (announcing): “Public Security.”
GM: “Do you have ID?”
BEN: “YES!
(a long pause)
BEN: “OH, wait…yes…actually I do.”
(Bean shows the ID)
GM: “Sir, that’s a stick of gum.”
BEN: “Above it…”
(Guards checks it over)
BEN: “Yeah, I forgot I am legit now.”

GREGORI: “It looks a lot like the concert Pianist, James Bannerman.”
ROY: “The Hulk?”
GM: “That’s Bruce Banner, you idiot.”
ROY (slamming fists down): “HULK PLAY PIANOOO!!!”

VINCENT: “I light up a smoke.”
GM: “There is no smoking in space.”
VINCENT: “We’ll, I’ll just have to inform you after the fact!”
GREGORI: “Do you have to smoke?”
VINCENT: “My patches need smokes!”

VINCENT: “You guys want to experience something. Eat two or three pounds of chedder before sleeping. You’ll have really fucked up dreams…but your bunghole will crust shut.”

VINCENT: “You know why women have legs…so they don’t leave trails like slugs!”

BEN: “I’m using my stun tonfa. He takes 12 points of damage and must make a DC18 fort save of fall unconious.”
GM: “Doesn’t matter, the 12 points crushes his skull.”
GREGORI: “BEN!”
BEN: “Sorry!”
ROY: “We want them ALIVE!”
BEN: “I was using my stun tonfa!”
(Roy imitates Ben with a huge downward clubbing motion)
ROY: “WHAM!!” (points at the ground) “You’re stunned!!”

ROY: “I pose as a hobo. I throw up occasionally.”
GM: “Okay…you see the building. Its locked up.”
ROY: “I pick the lock. I wretch occasionally.”
GM: “Wretching will not really cover you picking a lock.”

GM: “Behind the trigger of the .50 calibar machine gun is a huge woman…I mean like six-feet in every direction. She sprays the area.”
ROY: “With flem…”
GREGORI: “I dive behind the nearest car.”
GM: “You dive behind a Skoda. You see a homeless man there…”
HOMELESS MAN: “Hey man, what’s happening?”
GREGORI: “Stay the fuck down!”
BEN: “That’s a nasty ass fat chick. Share, you bitch!!”
(After, the fat lady is arrested and taken away. Police arrive and ask the Hobo what happened)
HOMELESS MAN: “It was agents from Sara Lee and they were fucking pissed.”

ROY: “She’s got a cyborg body…she should weigh like 400 lbs!”
GM: “Motoko knows how to handle herself. She’s very agile.”
GREGORI: “Doesn’t change the fact she’s got a bit criscoe in the can.”

BEN: “How’s the view from sugar-heaven, bitch!”

(Ben BURPS)
ROY: “Oh my god…that’s horrid. Oh…god….oh man…do you eat your own shit!?”

GREGORI: “He sounds like Donald Duck with Tourettes.”
VINCENT: “My character is Italian…I need a good name.”
GM: “Here’s a list.”.
VINCENT (looks over the list): “That’s good…but I need more whop in it.”

BEN: “I play a cyborg who loves normal food.”
GREGORI: “What happens to it?”
BEN: “I dunno, I assume its gets compacted and I just release a little owl pellet.”
ROY: “Yeah, that’s really too much information.”

GM: “Please remove all firearms and place them in the tray.”
ROY: “Okay…three knives, a pistol.”
GREGORI: “My pistol…that’s it.”
BEN: “Pistol, ‘nother pistol, spare in my ankle holster, my 10 gauge shotgun, the stun-tonfas--”
GREGORI: “Are you retarded?!”
ROY: “That’s subtle!”
GREGORI: “You brought a shotgun!?”
BEN: “I didn’t know what to expect!”
GREGORI: “We’re going into a corporation…I mean what the fuck is wrong with you!?”

ROY: “I use my cloak to appear as one man.”
GM: “But you are one man.”

(Vincent sees a tiny MP3 player with huge foam headphones)
VINCENT: “Music player of the FUUUTURE!!!”

GM: “You enter and see lots of books…paper books. Antiques.”
BEN: “A libary.”.
GM: “Libary!?”
ROY: “Yeah, its not his fault.”

GM: “His name is Chandri.”
GREGORI: “Chandra.”
GM: “No…Chandra built the HAL 9000…this is Chandri.”
GREGORI: “Chandra was supposed to be Indian to…till he got played by the blonde white guy that owns NBC on Seinfeld.”

GM: “It’s a new laser weapon. You can even alter it to effect specific types of organic matter, like pigmentation of skin…and it won’t touch anything else.”
GREGORI: “Oh so the basterds finally came up with a racist weapon!”
ROY: “It’s a Nigger-Laser”
GREGORI: “Where all ‘dem white people!”

ROY: “I am going to check on this guy Chandri.”
GREGORI: “I think its short for Chandri Bhat.”
(Roy attempts a Gather Information roll and Fails)
ROY: “I think he Indian…”
GREGORI: “Thank you, Captain Commander.”

ROY: “I am an ex assassin. I killed a lot of people.”
GREGORI: “But you’ve lived in Japan for the past five years. Face it, you’re a coaster pussy.”

ROY: “How are you doing, Vincent?”
VINCENT: “Just feed me to the Sarlac.”

BEN: “Lets go on active radar.”
ROY: “Yeah, lets have the subtle approach…lets NOT tell everyone where we are.” (Roy then imitates the spinning motion of a radar) “Us……Us…….Us……”

GREGORI: “I hack into this thing!”
GM: “Directly…that could be dangerous! Fry your brain…”
GREGORI: “I don’t care.”
ROY (imitating Gregori in a dumb voice): “Hello…how are you! You want to come over…I bake cookies for you.”

ROY (mocks Gregori, the hacker): “Oh god man…even I thought of that.”
GREGORI: “You want to think you’re a 6 year old retarted girl for life?”

BEN: “Get its cyberbrain out…I slice into its scalp and take out its cyberbrain!”
GM: “What?”
ROY: “You have a knife?”
BEN: “Yes I do.”
GM: “Okay…you start cutting into the head of the girl/android…a tour bus comes alongside you.”
BEN: “Hey…um…”
ROY: “Cutting into its head is not going to help.”
BEN: “It might.”
GREGORI: “You’re not helping!”

GM: “What’s your contact’s name?”
ROY: “I have to change it…I noticed I already named another guy in my history the same.”
GM: “Couldn’t think of something new?”
ROY: “No…Its Jimmy Dean, Jimmy, Jim Bob!!”

GM: “Orthos was killed by Heraculs.”
GREGORI: “Heracles.”
GM: “Sorry.”
ROY: “…Heh…Testacles…”

ROY: “What do you got?”
(GM riffles through the Halloween bag)
GM: “Crunchie…Wonderbar.”
ROY: “Crunchie…I love those things. Its like eating a brillo pad!!”?

GM: “The tank is coming up behind you.”
BEN: “Can I jump on it?”
GM: “Maybe…the driver of your car can slow down a bit.”
GEGORI: “What are you doing?”
BEN: “Going to jump on the tank.”
GREGORI: “ARE YOU INSANE!?”
ROY: “I can’t believe you actually thought that was a good idea!”

BEN: “Could I have some C-38?”
GM: “50 grams of C-16 destroyed a building.”
BEN: “Get a pound.”
GREGORI: “Great, now there’s a hole in the Earth.”

GM: “They all notice you and six of them fire submachine guns at you.”
ROY: “You want stealth suits, no we’re good!”
GREGORI: " Why don’t you kick more ammo crates."

GM: “As you drive towards the other two characters, you notice a huge explosion where they are supposed to be.”
ROY: “What the Fuckadee?”

GM: “We just watched Serenity…”
GREGORI: “And?”
ROY: “Malcom Reynolds trained Agro!!”
BEN: “HAHA!”
GM: “Jesus, you guys are bunch of fuckin’ geeks.”

BEN: “Can’t I just roll for my history?”
GM: “Fine…okay…childhood….roll D10”
BEN: “2.”
GM: “Your parents sold you for money.”
ROY: “Right on!”
BEN: “Mommy?”

GREGORI: “This ID is laughable.”
ROY: “Its real.”
GM: “Sir, Missionary has two S’s.”
ROY: “And…and I and an O.”
GM: “Whats a Q doing in there!?”

GM: “Okay…so your parents sold you…lets say to a company.”
BEN: “Pick one.”
GM (looking through the GITS Corporation listing): “That one…”
(Ben looks at it as well.)
BEN: “Sausage Electronics?!”
GREGORI: “Your parents sold you to a sausage factory!?”
GM: “What….Its Sagawa Electronics.”
BEN: “I am soo tired…I read Sausage Electronics. Parents sold me to be meat
Mommy and Daddy sold you the Electric Sausage Factory.”
ROY: “Electric Sausage…that’s got to be our next WOW guild name!”

VINCENT: “Holy Crap….My stat line is 18, 17, 18, 16, 17, 17!”
GM: “I saw it…that’s real.”
BEN: “How did you do that?”
VINCENT: “It’s the roll baby…got let it roll off like a waterfall.”
(Ben rolls…)
BEN: “12…”
VINCENT: “That’s not a waterfall…roll like you got a pair!”
(Ben rolls again)
BEN: “11”
VINCENT: “I said roll like a waterfall you fuck!!”
BEN (down): “Ohhh.”
VINCENT: “I make fun cause I love you.”

VINCENT: “Chewbacca was Mexican…even his name…Chewie. That bandolier he has… smokes… just packs of smokes. Watch the movie…and every time Chewie talks, just imagine the subtitle, “Want some smokes?” Rooaaarrgh—Want some smokes? Chewie, get us out of here!!! Roaaaarrgh—Want some smokes?”
GM: “Joe-Bacca.”

GREGORI: “What would you rather have? Buzz-Knucks or Buzz-Baton?”
BEN: “Fucking A, Buzz-Nuts! It works on so many levels!!”
GREGORI: “Buzz-Knucks!!!”
BEN: “Ohh…that’s less cool.”

Ben BURBS loudly
ROY: “Oh my! YOU GARGLED THAT!”
BEN: “I almost blew coke across your DVD collection.”

GM: “Ohh…Jube Jubes, can I have one please?”
MISHA: “What did you just say?”
GM: “Can I have one please?”
MISHA: “Before that…”
GM: “Fucked you in the ass that time—“
MISHA: ‘’No Jubes for you…”

GM: “Let me recant the tale.”
AIDEN: “I hope the god your not recanting anything.”
JONAS: “You mean recount.”
MISHA: “Jesus, and you’re a writer.”
GM: “I’ll check the dictionary on that one. It has different meanings”
URIEL: “Sure, in your weird own language…slurrrrrrEEEEEP <squirm> eeeeeee <pop> recant.”

GM: “Is there anything you would like to do before the final battle?”
URIEL: “Can I take Weapon Focus and drop Improved Unarmed Strike?”
GM: “No…you can’t remove a feat and add another.”
URIEL: “Its not removing a feat and adding another…its…changing a feat…”

MISHA: “They fly off into the skies like a group of birds…”
GM: “Like a flock of seagulls…”
URIEL: “I LOVE THOSE GUYS!!”

MISHA: “Can I use my STR instead of Cha for Intimidate?”
GM: “How?”
MISHA: “I just lift stuff…I AM SOOO POWERFUL!!”
JONAS: “Oh my god, he bench pressed Jim!”
AIDEN: “Who’s Jim?”
EDWIN: “Jim could be a dragon…”
URIEL: “…Or a real fat guy.”

URIEL: “Misha is just lifting things all day… fat guys…like Jim…”
MISHA: “Then my hands would smell like mayo all day.”
URIEL: “They already do. God I hate the fucking Dutch.”

MISHA: “Seera had no character…she was "I don’t know who I am. I have memories of someone else. Who am I, What should I do"—fuuuuuuck.”
EDWIN: “Was that part of it?”
MISHA: “Kind of, and parts of the chive and onion thing you ate….fuuuuuck.”

<Edwin laughs and squirms fighting a coughing fit>
URIEL: “That’s an awesome look.”
MISHA: “Great, the BBQ Beef is coming back up. Awwww... fucking gross… It looked gross going on the way down.”

MISHA: “We’re sending out bards to preach our glory.”
AIDEN: “Yeah just like the last one.”
URIEL: “God that bard was gay.”
MISHA: “It was gay bard”
URIEL: “What was it?”
MISHA: “It was a gay bard, gay bard, gay bard.”
JONAS: “Lets start a war.”
MISHA: “What?”
JONAS: “Start a nuclear war.”
MISHA: “Where?”
JONAS: “At the gay bard, gay bard, gay bard.”

URIEL: “Great, there will be a Tarrasque there.”
JONAS: “Shit cool I want to ride it!”
AIDEN: “Can you have a Tarrasque as a mount?”
URIEL: “Ya mule…go left…okay..we’re going right…YA RIGHT…now were stopping, WOAW! And now…we’re….going left, YA LEFT!!”

GM: “He gets away…”
URIEL: “I”LL GET YOU OVERLORD OF EEEEVIL!!”

GM: “Everyone make spots checks.”
URIEL: “10…I look louder.”
GM: “How can you look louder?”
URIEL: “HAAAA!!!” <eyes open wide>

URIEL: “If you dance, I’ll break your legs.”
MISHA: “And your heart.”
URIEL: “The newest trash romance novel…He broke her legs…and her heart.”

URIEL: “I stay and defend Ilion…FUCK I can’t. I’m almost dead. I spring attack the fuck out of there.”
GM: “Fine, leave your dragon…”
URIEL: <Sigh> “I go back in…”
GM: “…so easy to manipulate…”

ANYSSA <handing an artifact to Aiden>: “Its meant for Misha.”
AIDEN: “Well, how do you know?”
<She picks it up>
ARTIFACT: “MIIIISSHAAA!!!”
<She hands it back….annoyed.>

GM: “THANK YOU for breaking the moment.”
URIEL: “HOLY SHIT am I not in character right now…”

URIEL: “Give us the phone!”
MISHA: “GIVE US THE PHONE!”
URIEL: “THE PHONE!!!”
MISHA: “We’ll just get louder!!”
URIEL: “…regardless if you give us the phone or not!!”

URIEL: “I want to take an exalted feat!”
GM: “…but your character acts like such a nob!”
URIEL: “Fine then! You want the nob!? We’re going for the nob! You’re getting the nob!!”
MISHA: “This should make the quote’s page”

MISHA: “I don’t hate the robot anymore. The queer title has been lifted!”
JONAS: “Thanks—“
URIEL: “HELL no. LONG LIVE THE QUEER!!”

GM: “From the side of the wall, a vaginal opening appears and a operating table slides out…”
JONAS: “Did he just say vaginal?”
MISHA: “Yes.”

AIDEN: “Don’t you remember Kaid’s gun?”
URIEL: “You mean the one that never ran out of ammo?”
GM: “No, the other one, the Porto Tuning Laser?”
URIEL: “Oh…that one…that never ran out of ammo.”
AIDEN: “AND DEFINETLY did not buy clips for them from a Technomage”
GM: “Pardon my Retroactive Continuity.”
JONAS: “So he never got bullets then?”
URIEL: “No…he just…fired…bolts of Homosexuality.”

GM: “Can Misha speak elvish?”
MISHA: “Try it…”
EDWIN: “I test it. I insult him in elvish.”
GM: “He hits you anyway…”

GM: “You can’t teleport over the Atlantic, its out of range.”
AIDEN: “We stopped at Iceland…two jumps.”
GM: “Oh right.”
URIEL: <Imitating the GM—high pitched voice> “Lets set this game on Earth.” <normal voice, points at GM> “Hah! Fucked you in the ASS that time!!”

MISHA: “It’s the “I’m fucking you” spell”

JONAS: “Its SUPER QUEER FUNTIME!!”

AIDEN: “Ohh…Someone has an orb of deception for sale.”
GM: “Or DO THEY?”
<Long Pause>
AIDEN: “No…they really do—“
GM: “You see…the orb…of deception…you…see…maybe they are…lying…”
<long pause>
GM: “Screw you , its funny. Its going on the quotes page.”

EDWIN: “Why are you touching me? Lay on Hands?”
URIEL: “…Yeah…sure…”

GM: “No, every time you hit him gives him a 50% chance of teleporting randomly up to a hundred feet away.”
MISHA: “…and this is how the GM kicks you in the cock…”

GM: “The vorpal critical strikes you Uriel…you are reduced to zero hit points and are deflected 50 feet from the battle area.”
URIEL: “…What…sorry, I couldn’t hear you. You know, with the cock in your mouth.”

MISHA: “Ohh, Uriel, you’re so articulate.”
URIEL: “Does that mean I move well?”

AIDEN: “Use the Elemental attack of the Amethyst rings!”
JONAS: “Which Element?”
AIDEN: “Earth.”
URIEL: “Wind.”
MISHA: “HEART!”

MISHA: “…Is it a “stackable” bonus?!”
GM: “Oh would you stop that shit!”
URIEL: “Oh…no, then it would be an unstackable bonus…HEY. A +3 unstackable bonus would stack with a stackable bonus!”
MISHA: “…This game is so dumb.”

MISHA: “I like how this group decides where to go…Let’s go North.”
URIEL&AIDEN: “EAST!!!”
<pause>
MISHA: “Lets go east…”

MISHA: “My mullet, it does notting!!”

AIDEN: “Oh, yeah, we’re up to 11 Artifacts now…”
URIEL: …and together, they form DEVASTATOR, the most powerful of all Decepticons!”

URIEL: ““He’s one of the oldest guys on the planet. I mean it…His liver is so big, it wraps around him.”

Jots down…
GM: “Okay….I’ll take off one of your 50 xp penalties for that one…
URIEL: “MARZIPAN!!”
Jots down…
GM: “And back on it goes again…”
AIDEN (to Uriel): “Why?”
URIEL: “I don’t know…”

GM: “What’s your Charimsa bonus?”
MISHAL: “+2”
URIEL: “Well, he has loudness +5…so its actually +7.”

JONAS: “Okay…someone say something nice about my dick.”

MISHA: “I have a ring invisibility.”
URIEL: “Put it on…I can still see you.”
MISHA: “NO YOU DON’T!!!”
URIEL (to GM): “I don’t know where the angry guy is.”
MISHA: “Good answer…”

GM: “Touche’”
URIEL: “Oh, he speaks French, don’t fuck with this guy.”

MISHA: “My god, this note is like a choose your own adventure.”
AIDEN: “Ever read the Gary Gygax ones…did anyone actually roll dice?”
URIEL: “If you choose yes, go to Page 58….CRAP…I died. LUCKILY, I had my finger on the page!”

GM: “I strikes you for 21 points of damage.”
URIEL: “OWCH!! Okay…obviously, you wanna fight.”

URIEL: “Is it possible for me to make a knowledge roll to see if these guys have a weakness?”
GM: “What kind of knowledge roll?”
URIEL: “Religeon?”
AIDEN: “I don’t think they’re catholic.”

GM: “You should conserve your Kwan points. Don’t burn through them like you usually do.”
AIDEN: “NOT going through Kwan like a junky going through a fresh bag of crack…”

Aiden casts a spell with generates a door…through this door leads into a pan-dimensional mansion with multiple floor and plumbing…everythin…
GM: “…There are paintings of Aiden everywhere.”
AIDEN: “There certainly are not”
GM: “…And he is glistening with oil—“
AIDEN: “Fuck off”
GM: “…and there is a statue in the center.”
MISHA: “I knew it.”
AIDEN: “There is no such thing.”
GM: “There is a theme park…with rides…you must be “this” high to ride Aiden.”
JONAS: “Ewwwwww…”
AIDEN: “Go to hell.”

MISHA: “We’re still thrice fucked!!”

GM: “You’re really not supposed to do that.”
URIEL: “Not supposed to…OR should!!”

URIEL: ““We saw a Lepperchaun the other day.”
AIDEN: “Really. What was he like?”
URIEL: “Lepptastic…”
JONAS: “Lepptacular…”

GM: “You feel a tingle.”
MISHA: “Ooohhh…”
GM: “Your fiendish sensor is going off.”
MISHA: “Yeah, I’m assume its not crotch itch.”
AIDEN: “Got a fungal problem there Misha?”

MISHA: “Well, these people apparently like taking it from behind”
GM: “WHAT?”
MISHA: “You said they had an open door policy.”
GM: “That’s not what I meant!!”

URIEL: “Ride a wooden pole FUCKTARD”

“What color are my eyes?”
WHAT NOT TO SAY
"Well…white…and some black…HEY I GOT like 95% of it right!”
“I’m sorry, what were you saying? I was looking at your breasts.”
“You have eyes?”

GM: “Okay…your at 0 hit points.”
MISHA: “I heal and go back in.”
AIDEN: “You go right on doing that Misha.”
MISHA: “Come and help!”
AIDEN: “Hell, I ain’t going in there.”

AIDEN: “It’s a Very Old Blue Dragon. We can’t take that. Do you have a scroll of slay dragon?”
URIEL (looks at his list): “By slay dragon you mean CURE LIGHT WOUNDS!!!!”

GM: “It’s a poison gas trap.
URIEL <pretending to burp>: “Oh…. burrito.”

GM: “The tree roots seem to be the cause of the walls closing in.”
MISHA: “I COMMAND PLANTS…OYE, FUCK OFF!!”
GM: “You have Command Plants…actually handy for a time like this?”
MISHA <whimper>: “No…I never had it…its just Misha yelling at a whole bunch of trees.”
GM: “All this time.”
MISHA <Trying not to laugh>: “I commanded them to grow and they did…I always thought I had the power.”
URIEL <Trying not to laugh>: “YOU LIED TO ME!! I TRUSTED YOU!”

MISHA: “I toss Uriel in the air.”
URIEL: “My cloak grapples you and takes you with me.”
MISHA: “OH…that’s a great idea”
URIEL: “Yeah!! We just throw each other in the air and tumble in the sky!”
MISHA: “Oh, wow. That is the shittiest idea we’ve ever had.”
AIDEN: “You’ve been reduced to weights on a Bola.”

JONAS: “He’s being a Cumquat.”
URIEL: “Heh heh…He said qaut.”

GM: “You successfully dodge the 50 tonne dragon carcass as it slams onto the ground.”
MISHA: “Shit no, I deflect!”
GM: “You can’t…50 tonnes!”
MISHA: “I AM STRONG!”
<beat>
GM: “Fine it hits you…”
<laughter from group>
GM: “You take 20 points of damage…then you push up from underneath, lifting part of the body up and you walk away…slamming the carcass behind you.”
MISHA: snaps his fingers “…SOLD.”
URIEL: “Oh no way!”
MISHA: “I AM THE BURNINATOR!!”
GM: “No just part of it…”
URIEL: “Part of 50 tonnes…is still a fuck of a lot!”
MISHA: “Fuck no, I bench press it.”
JONAS: “Misha was going to lie and say he picked it up anyway!”
AIDEN: “AND YOU GAVE HIM A SEED OF TRUTH!!”

GM: “Every sword clash flicks off sparks and light.”
JONAS: “Cool.”
MISHA: “Why would they make a sword from flint?”

MISHA: “I had meatloaf…made of nuts…nut meat.”
URIEL: “A NUTLOAF…Fucking rights, I want the recipe!”

GM: “The temple chamber is very long and wide.”
<Jonas snickers>
GM: “Penalty for snickering.”
JONAS: “I was laughing at something else.”
URIEL: “Yeah, and long and wide wasn’t it?!”

GM: “Its an Illusion spell…I can’t remember what school that was.”
AIDEN: “Illusion…”
<Uriel Laughs>
URIEL: “It shouldn’t be funny but I laughed anyway…”
MISHA: “Is this how far you made it into the dungeon?”
<Raggazuba nods>
MISHA: “But there was nothing. No fights. Was the kitchen too intimidating? There might have been a roast pork—FLEEE!!!”

URIEL: “Why did you point the spell at his cock?”
JONAS: “Apparently, it was easily accessable by the mage.”

AIDEN: “I told you from the beginning. I glean from every monster I find—“
GM: “You what?”
AIDEN: “Glean.”
URIEL: “Glean…its like Manstorbate…”
AIDEN: “How do you get that?”
URIEL: “I DON’T KNOW…for you, it fits.”

AIDEN: “Your assholyness transcends all known distances.”

GM: “Where you once saw Aiden, now you see a huge Stone Giant.”
URIEL: “Why is it wearing a dress?
MISHA: “Its AIDEN!!”

GM: “Okay Misha, make a Wilderness Lore check instead of your spot…”
MISHA: “25…”
GM: “You succeed…”
MISHA: “Okay, what is it?”
GM: “There’s a disturbance in the forrest.”
MISHA: “Oh you did NOT just fucking say that!”

URIEL: “I need to go to Japan.”
JONAS: “Hey, I wasn’t allowed to go on MY side quest. If I can’t go to Mars, he can’t go to Japan.”
AIDEN: “Okay, you do know Japan is a hell of a lot closer than MARS!?”

MISHA: “I write my name in the ground…in the Common tongue.”
GM: “He seems to read it…then he etches in the ground. ‘Ragga’ …then ‘Zuba’.”
MISHA: “Ragga-Zuba…that’s such an awesome name!”
URIEL: “I am naming ALL of my kids that!”

JONAS: “Just go butter some toast.”
AIDEN: “Is that a gay remark?”
JONAS: “No…”
URIEL: “I want some toast…hold the bread.”

GM: “How is everyone?”
URIEL: “I’m bleeding from my ASS! Not JUST from my ass, but MOSTLY…my ASS!!”

MISHA: “I am ditching Command Plants…it’s a totally tit-useless spell.” <Points to the ground>
“You!! GROW!!! SLOOOWLY!!”
<pause>
“MANUFACTURE OXYGEN!!”
<pause>
“PROCESS SOIL!!”
<pause>
“THIS…I COMMAND!”

GM: “Okay…time to get ready to game, people”
MISHA: “I kill it!”
URIEL: “I kill it squared!”
JONAS: “I kill it cubed!”
AIDEN: “While they talk math, I kill it.”

MISHA: “I search for food.”
<GM rolls randomly on some tables.>
GM: “Okay…You find…wild onions…walnuts…and tobacco.”
MISHA: “All in the same oak forest? This place is awesome!”

URIEL: “I have 12 hits points left!”
JONAS: “ONE!!!”
URIEL: “Oh right…”

AIDEN: “I may be the last true human in existence.”
URIEL: “All I heard was <high voice> I’m a queer”
<pause>
URIEL: “…I may have misquoted.”

URIEL: “We have been involved in the destruction of Sierra Madre, the massacre of Arx-Cis. We contributed to the destruction of the old Earth. Now, we just left a planet that was wiped out. You would think we would get experience for the people we killed…but noooooo…”
GM: “Apparently, its not a challenge for you…”

MISHA: “The slopey…will fight…the rice…”

MISHA: “I call resistance to your sucknob.”

URIEL: “WHAT KIND OF MONSTER PICKS A FIGHT WITH A UNICORN…ohh…I gotta pee.”

MISHA: “I track!!”
GM: “Roll—“
MISHA: “Don’t bother. <points randomly> It went THAT way!"

URIEL: “You boast all these languages, Aiden, but you have not mastered the new tongue.”
AIDEN: “New?”
URIEL: “True Engrish…Misha and I invented it. It’s got 36 words. 12 are for ‘cleave’, 12 for ‘fast’. The language is based on monster levels.”

AIDEN: “Take a golem…put a huge piece of beef inside…does not make it a cow.”
URIEL: “Meat golem…what a great idea! I want one…with sausage links for arms!”

MISHA: “Can I use tumble skill and just rename it ‘wade’ instead?”

JONAS: “I scream hit it in the neck!”
MISHA: “Oh really, thanks—I FUCKING HATE YOU!”
URIEL: “Why do I get a bonus if it has no neck?”

URIEL: “You’re a great ‘hole.”
MISHA: “Bend over and I’ll show you a great hole.”

GM: “Edwin, you see familiar constellations in the sky. Make up names, they’ll be right.”
EDWIN: “Oh look…it’s the…NOB…and the…SHAFT!”
MISHA: “You guys have great names.”

URIEL: “Can you smite yourself while shaving?”

<Angel vessels having living brains as their core>
MISHA:  "So if I said the ship looked a little heavy in the back, would she get pissed?"

URIEL: “Can you smite yourself while shaving?”

TASIA: “You didn’t tell her about her father?”
MISHA: “What—‘Hey, you know I have your father’s desiccated head in my bag.”

AIDEN: “We won’t tell the difference…and we really won’t care.”

MISHA: “Your elf a-splode …”
URIEL: “Dude, that was awesome…”

GM: “Brian Cox is a great actor…”
BRIAN: “Yeah, I’ll show you some Brian Cox…”

AIDEN: “Time for Uriel to donate some words off wisdom about now.”
URIEL: “I’M LOST! I’M RUNNING! WE’RE DOOMED!”

MISHA: “And then comes the Auron…wielding 2 axes in each hand!”
JONAS: “What?”
URIEL: “How is that possible?!”

AIDEN: “This entire church is alive.”
MISHA: “Ohh…can I pokey with it?”

GM: “Okay, the church attacks back.”
URIEL: “What about me?”
GM: “You’re after.”
URIEL: “The BUILDING goes BEFOE me?”

GM: “It rejects you Jonas, the building regurgitates and spits you out the side, covered in some goo.”
MISHA: “Oh great, he’s covered in house cum.”

AIDEN: “Uriel is not that dumb.”
URIEL: “Yes I am! I can’t even learn expertise!”

AIDEN: “You always keep with the loosing.”

AIDEN: “I can cast Commune…it’s a unique capacity of my class. Allows me to ask my god a question…”
MISHA: “Try it…”
<Casts the spell>
AIDEN: “If we help the Saints, will it help our quest for Amethyst?”
GM <as God>: “Unclear…”
MISHA: “What?”
AIDEN (sighs): “That’s a valid response.”
URIEL: “Oh great, it’s a fucking magic 8-ball” <imitates shaking a ball> “All signs point to Tuesday—WHAT?” <imitates throwing the ball away>
MISHA: “God is such a fucking cock!”
AIDEN: “It’s a valid response.”
URIEL: “Because the GM’s a dick!”

GM: “There is an amulet of health.”
URIEL&MISHA: “Dibbs!!”
AIDEN: “Who’s wearing Amulets of Natural Armor?”
URIEL: “Fuck!”
MISHA: “Shit!”

GM: “…and there is a moose mounted on the wall.”
URIEL: “A moose?”
MISHA: “THAT EATS WALNUTS!!”
GM: “WHAT?!”

AIDEN: “It’s the golden rule. He who has gold…rules…”
URIEL: “Then we take the gold.”
AIDEN: “It’s a figure of speech.”
URIEL: “STOP SPEAKING IN RIDDLES!!”

GM: “Okay the Colossal Air Elemental sucks Uriel up…it then attacks Misha…and hits! Grapple check!”
MISHA: “34”
GM: “42…you are sucked up. You take 20 points of damage.”
AIDEN: “How about some rings of freedom of movement, guys?!”
AIDEN: “I think they are after that trinket.”
URIEL: “THEY ARE AFTER ME LUCKY CHARMS…FUCK OFF!!”

<Uriel grabs a paper Aiden was trying to read, he crumples the paper and throws it to the ground. He then puts his hand over it, making a sound effect like he’s igniting the paper…>
MISHA: “Making sound effects doesn’t make paper do anything…”
<pause>
URIEL: “…Thought it might…”

URIEL: “If I am going to be a Paladin again, I am not fucking choosing Pelor…he’s a fucktard…they are all fucktards. All D&D gods are gay! How much could they know?!”
AIDEN: “Kord?”
URIEL: “HULK-SMASH!!”
AIDEN: “You could worship a Neutral God.”
URIEL: “Not with that name. WEEEEEEEjas…”
AIDEN: “I meant true Neutral.”
URIEL: “Oh great, the god of ‘fencesitters’.”
URIEL: “GOD…He’s just a three-coiled steamer man!!”

BARKEEP: “What can I get you?”
AIDEN: “Have any Juice?”
BARKEEP: “No…”
JONAS: “…how about Cool-Aid?”
BARKEEP: “No…”
AIDEN: “No juice?”
MISHA: “Aiden gets the taste of fruit all the time…”
AIDEN: "How do you get gay from that?"

MISHA: “You can read all about it in Bill Shatner’s autobiography.”

GM: “You pull the dried skull of Thornshroud. His skin withered and dry to the touch.”
MISHA: “You can use some moisturizer buddy.”
EDWIN: “Yes, go and moisturize the head in your sack…”

URIEL: “You have wonder what he says when he walks into the forest to pull the “head” from its “sack”…to TALK to it!”
MISHA: “You don’t talk to it?”
URIEL: “Misha is talking to his bag, wonderful…”
MISHA: “I do it away from the camp.”
URIEL: “Okay then Misha. Carry on in the forest, talking to your sack.”

AIDEN: “…It was a great record back in the day.”
MISHA: “Record?”
AIDEN: “Didn’t you listen to records?”
MISHA: “No, I had money.”

AIDEN: “You could have made that save if you were a Paladin…”
URIEL: “I’m not anymore…”
MISHA: “Yeah, how’s that worked for you.”

GM: “The door is ajar.”
AIDEN: “You’re wrong. It’s a door…not a jar.”

MISHA: “Everything we have sacrificed, what have we to show for it?”
AIDEN: “Not enough blow jobs from virgins?”

URIEL: “I can’t expose my weakness…I don’t have enough paper.”

AIDEN: “You are being a huge cock, Misha.”
MISHA: “How does that change for any other day?”

MISHA: “We’re not coming back…it’s a shithole…”

AIDEN: “From now on, you don’t talk to plot points.”

AIDEN: “We need fire.”
MISHA: “Crog like fire.”
URIEL: “Fire?” |
MISHA: “What?”
AIDEN: “Fire…Make fire. You’ve been able to do it for some time. Maybe not Uriel…”
URIEL: “Ohhhh…”
MISHA: “Don’t make fun of my slope…”

GM: "I need to know the Knowledge skill you think applies here."
MISHA: "Demonic."
AIDEN: "Arcana"
URIEL: "Listen?"

<Angels are cyborgs--robots with human brains>
AIDEN: "Despite, what you might say, <Jonas the Angel> helped us today."
MISHA: "What?! Fuckbot the Swift!!"

MISHA: "So if we hear scraping metal...is that Angels fucking?"

AIDEN: "I just cast axiomatic creature. It makes me a perfect example of my species. I am without flaws, no scars, full head of hair and perfect skin."
URIEL: "Well, someone just BURST out of the closet!!"

<Misha and Uriel are about to walk into certain death...>
MISHA: "Its been fun..."
URIEL: "You're lying."
MISHA: "You're right..."

URIEL: “TIME IS MY CHEESE."

<Uriel is caught ablaze by Red Dragon breath.>
MISHA:  "The SLOPE!  The SLOPE!  The SLOPE IS ONE FIRE!!"

MISHA:  "You want to nerf my strength?"
GM:  "Two points...The Rune-Sieg armor does not stack with the Amethyst Bracers...You will drop from 29 to 27!!  27!!"
MISHA:  "But its my strength!!"
URIEL:   "He's bitching.  I can't belive he's bitching."

EDWIN: "I  bluff Misha."
GM:  "You're exhalted...stay good!"

GM:  "You act like you character has an Int of 4!"
URIEK:  I do not...If I did I would be like, "Ahhhgg!  Muh!!  RAAAAA!!!  <snores> Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz....."

URIEL:  "Through the mind of INT 28, "I'm hungry.  I'm tired.  Girls?"

GM:  "Scream a lot and make a climb check"
URIEL;  "Fuck, I'm gay!!"

GM:  "All those that failed their FORT saves are stunned this round.  You cannot attack or do anything."
<Aiden flips through the book while the GM continues his attack, and passes Aiden by, who failed his save>
AIDEN:  "Ahaa!!  You don't lose your attack when you are stunned!"
GM:  "What?"
AIDEN:  "Says right here:  The character looses her Dexterity bonus to AC and can take no actions.  Foes gain a +2 bonus to hit stunned characters...  ...Oh."
GM:  "Swing and a miss."

GM:  Flat footed AC?
AIDEN:  His is 10, mine is 11...that's 21...and together we fight crime!"

URIEL:  "I couldn't save her"
MISHA:  "Its cinematic."
URIEL:  "Go fuck yourself in the ass."

GM:  "Nighttime...who's on watch?"
MISHA:  "I am on watch."
URIEL:  "I am also on watch."
AIDEN:  "I let you go on watch."

 
GM:  You search around...All you see is Ice...Ice, Ice, Ice, Ice, Ice, Ice, Ice, Fur, Ice, Ice, Ice-"
TAKSHIRO:  "--Heeeeey!"

GM:  "You're looking down upon a bow half-cocked."
URIEL:  "Huh-uh...he said 'bow'."

MISHA:  "We need an army...I will do my part...". 
URIEL:  "You...not smart ones..."
MISHA:  "Smite Me..."

GM:  "The corridor is narrow and thin..."
AIDEN:  "I can go."
MISHA:  "Its not safe..."
URIEL:  "For the first time, let his skinny ass be of some use."

 
GM:  "Misha returns with Uriel..."
AIDEN:  "Oooo...bring me something?!"
URIEL:  "Misha did."
<...Pause...>
<...Longer pause...>
MISHA:  "Hi..."

 Granger:  "Everyone is psychic, even Brian's prostitutes?"
GM:  "Yeah..."
Granger:  "I guess she gives him 'mind'."

 URIEL:  "Holy attention span, batman!"
AIDEN:  "I DO have a good attention span...<tap> <tap>...Knock on wood-Ohh...excuse me."

 URIEL:  "I summon celestial animals to help us escape!"
GM:  "Okay <rolls>...You get a group of fiendish squid."
AIDEN:  "Well, we're fucked..."
URIEL:  "HEY, you know how fast you can move on a lubricated squid!?"

 AIDEN:  "You light a man a fire, and he's warm for a night.  You light a man ON fire...and he's warm for the rest of his life..."

 AIDEN:  You two are big, gay, bustards!"
MISHA&URIEL:  "Hey!"
AIDEN:  "Okay, okay...your parents were married."

 GM:  "Why did you do it?"
<Pointing at Uriel>
MISHA:  "Its all his fault...he made me."
URIEL:  "DANCE, PUPPETS, DANCE!!"

 AIDEN:  "I carry everything in my ass of holding."
MISHA:  "If he stores his gold there, he can keep it."

 URIEL:  "You see, getting louder DOES work."
GM:  "Hey, don't bitch, you JUST got a 50XP bonus."
URIEL:  "THAT'S RIGHT!!"

 URIEL:  "I suggest giving Tim a retard bonus."

 <One horse to another>
HORSE:  "My master could beat up your master."

 GM:  "Okay...nighttime.  Who's on watch?"
AIDEN:  "We all wake up at 2nd watch and we are all wearing our armor."

 GM:  "He is not standing down.  Time for an intimidation roll."
<Marakis rolls...then addresses the NPC>
MARAKIS:  "I WILL GUT YOUR FISH!"
<pause.  Marakis slams his head on the table

GM:  "You find some Hodgeberries?"
MISHA:  "Does this mean something?"
GM:  "Nah, I rolled it."
MISHA:  "Well, I collect the randomly generated berries."

MISHA:  "I wanted a class that could properly represent where I wanted to go as a character."
URIEL:  "No, you're a big, gay, bastard who wanted more strength!"

AIDEN:  "How is everyone...OK?  Uriel?"
URIEL:  "I PEE BLOOD!"

GM:  "Make a track check."
MISHA (rolls):  NINE!
GM:  "Okay.  You basically know nothing."
MISHA (to the group):  "Okay...we got a bugbear...in half plate...with a lingering knee injury he received in childhood...He has 45 copper in his pocket...and a broken mace..."
TASIA:   "Ooooooooh"

 GM:  "You detect a horrid smell."
AIDEN:  "Like Misha?"
GM:  "More like a Corpse."
AIDEN:  "Better than Misha then..."

 MISHA:  "I got a magic swoooord".

 MISHA:  "I have good ideas."
URIEL:  "You opened a fuckin' Box O'Mech!"

GM:  "Which way?"
AIDEN:  "North"
MISHA:  "West had shiney."
AIDEN:  "Ohh....West"
MISHA:  "We corrupted the Mage."

MISHA:  "We are not here to kill everything in site."
KAID:  "PARDON!?"

 AIDEN:  "He's divvying up the bitches."
URIEL (correcting):  "HOES..."

KAID:  "Its not my fault your attuned Elvin ears couldn't hear."
MALACHI:  "What did you say?"
MISHA:  "He called you needledick."

GM:  "Your map looks the ass of a dead donkey."

AIDEN:  "You killed it!"
MISHA:  "Sorry, I thought it was a Leprechaun."

MISHA:  "What did we just kill?"
AIDEN:  "Two White Dragons."
MISHA:  "Fuck we rule!"

 URIEL:  "We need to organize an intelligent defense...Oh...sorry...Int 10.  We throw stuff at them."
MISHA:  "We've got all the useful stuff, you fucking mage."
AIDEN:  "You know Bull Strength is dismissible."
MISHA:  "My foot in your ass isn't!"

 SMITH:  "I think I should have that."
AIDEN:  "Fine, I'll fight you for it."
SMITH:  "Do you want me to shoot you in the face?"

 AIDEN:  "I turn into Solar and fly 100 feet up."
URIEL:  "Oh great.  Gay Hulk prance."

 URIEL (upon seeing a female Cloud Giant):  "I'm Asian...and that's a HUGE bitch!"

AIDEN:  "You didn't make a deal to slay a dragon, did you?"
MISHA:  "...Maybe..."

 MISHA:  "Don't get lippy with me in my own fucking head!"

 GM:  "He starts to age rapidly.  His body degrades.  His face goes black and smells of putresance."
AIDEN:  So, he looked like a senior from Misha's village...
GM:  "Man...even I thought that was mean..."

 KAID:  "He's a Paladin...they are notoriously dumb."
URIEL:  "I have an Int of 16!"
KAID:  "Albeit times 2 than the average Paladin"
URIEL:  "I can tie my own shoes!!!"

 MALACHI:  "There's a lot of death coming-someone toss me a timbit."

 GM:  "You see a mound of dirt on the ground"
MALACHI:  "Mound?  What's that doing there?"
MISHA:  "Holy shit!  There's dirt in a dungeon!"

 GM:  "So, the mage whips out a 25 foot long python."
URIEL:  "Holy Shit."
MISHA:  "Excuse me!"
AIDEN:  "It's the staff, it can turn into a snake!"
URIEL:  "Thank Christ you clarified that."
MISHA:  "Mine's still bigger."

 AIDEN:  "You see me turn into a gigantic 16 foot tall slender green being with huge wings..."
URIEL:  "Great...Gay Hulk..."

 MISHA:  "That Saint of yours.  What's her story?"
GM-TASIA:  "I have a name!"
AIDEN:  "Why don't you ask her?"
MISHA:  "I am apprehensive about things that can't be explained."
AIDEN:  "So, he won't talk to her because he is afraid of what can't be explained yet he wants US to explain her to him, which means that he believes that she CAN be explained...does that just make him a pussy that's scared of women?"

 <Kobolds planning to get through the door>
AIDEN:  "Why doesn't the big guy just hit the door?"
AIDEN:  "Yeah, why doesn't the big guy just hit the door?"
MISHA:  "That's a good idea.  Big guy, hit the door!"
KAID:  "...You are the big guy."
MISHA:  "...Ohhhhh...

 MALACHI:  "While they are gone, I slice of some Kobold for the meal tonight."
MISHA:  "You're an asshole cause I won't know what they are and I'll eat them anyway!"

 AIDEN:  "I deploy my cloak wings and soar down."
MISHA:  "I was wrong...you're not a ponce...you're a fairy!"

 MALACHI:  "Please don't desecrate my latrine."

 MISHA:  "I'm so spooky, I pee dark."

 URIEL:  "Max can't get through the tunnel.  He's twenty feet tall.  The tunnel is ten feet.  That's 10 Feet of 'I don't quite fit!'"

 GM:  "You're musings perplex me..."

 MISHA:  <Imitating Kaid> "You killed my girlfriend!  I am going to run away and sing songs at you!"

 GM:  "There is a Saint Battle cruiser on the way."
URIEL:  <Opening each hand>  "Goat!  Fucked!"
KAID:  "We've taken one down before."
URIEL:  <Opening each hand>  "GOAT!  FUCKED!"

 GM:  "You guys are in the center of a huge valley with shear cliffs to either side."
URIEL:  "What directions can we go?"
GM:  "Well...definitely North.  Definitely South."
URIEL:  "No shit, fucktard."

 MISHA:  "I punch the Rogue."
MALACHI:  "I disbelieve your ass."

 URIEL:  "I only need 200 xp for 6th level.  This fight will definitely do it!"
GM:  "The Atatch criticals on you for 35 points of damage."
URIEL:  "Mother!  I'm at -8!"
MISHA:  "What's that you say?  Level 4?!"

 GM:  "The poison saps twelve temporary strength.  Your go now?"
MISHA:  "Okay...I rolled a 15 plus 8 for the level, plus 1 for the weapon, -2 cause life is gay..."

 GM:  "Okay, the creature misses you and you fall underneath its legs."
<Misha revs up his Elemental Fist attack.>
MISHA:  "That's it!  Power attack!  Fist go through, aiming right for Bang-Cock!"

 MALACHI:  "Dammit, I need a scroll of shut the fuck up!"

 URIEL:  "Kaid got a girlfriend, Malachi got a girlfriend!  I got nothing.  No magic items, no sex, nothing?"
KAID:  "What, no 12-year old boys?"

 GM:  "If Misha returns to Selkirk, the Shop Steward threatened to kick him in the nuts."
KAID:  "I'm gonna make a steel cup for Misha cause of all the times people have threatened to kick him in the cock."
MALACHI:  "Problem with that, if he is in water, he will sink crotch-first.
MISHA:  "Like I wouldn't already...I am Russian after all..."

 GM:  "Renar Alkanost enters.  He is 6000 years old and is 7 feet tall.  A regal looking Grey Elf."
MISHA:  "Well, my Gay-dar is going off."

 GM:  "You have to take orders from him (Mike) or if you are in Force Recon, from him (Rene), or Medical from him (Conan)." 
CHRIS:  "What....they have the combined IQ of my ASS!"
 
MISHA:  "Fine, while they talk, I am going to search for treasure...how odd.  I am doing the rogues job."
MALACHI:  "And I just had a swordfight...interesting role reversal."
MISHA:  "I feel like I should smoke some weed and hide in the corner."
MALACHI:  "I feet like I have fat nuts."

 GM <to Misha>:  "You emerge from the bio-tube.  All your scars are healed.  They're gone.  You have no body hair and you now have a crew-cut."
<Misha is devastated!>
KAID:  "Does he get a bonus to Charisma?"
GM:  "Why?"
KAID:  "Cause's he's pretty now!"

 
PSYCHOLOGIST<GM>:  "Why do you need these scars?  Would the memory of them diminish with their removal?  Why do you need validation with self-mutilation?  You made these scars worse." 
MISHA:  "Cause they are marks of pride...and death!  Of those I lost.  My child at the hands of a fucking demon-A father slain at my feet by creatures of darkness!  My revenge in slaying the fucking beasts."
KAID:  "Wait a minute.  You have a child?!
MISHA:  "Had!"
KAID:  "They let your BREED?!"

 MISHA:  "We need a spy?"
URIEL:  "Who?"  <Pointing at Kaid> "Him?"
MISHA <serious>:  "No, I was thinking of the cat."

 MISHA:  "Why should we care about her!?"
KAID:  "Cause some of us aren't insensitive barbaric pricks!"
URIEL<singing>:  "Someone got mocked by the Baaaaard..."

 MALACHI:  "Ouch!  Burned by a big floating head!"

 KAID (threatening):  "I'll shoot you!"
URIEL:  "I'll soak it and kill you."

 TASIA (NPC):  "You attacked us first!  You're responsible.  You slaughtered my team!"
MISHA:  "Albeit...okay...granted, we killed our friends.  Okay...<with a smile> I killed your friends."

 URIEL:  "Its not gay if you're the giver."

MALACHI:  "I want to kill her!"
KAID:  "You are not stupid like Misha!"
MALACHI:  "But I want to be stupid.  This is my turn to be stupid!"
KAID:  "Elves aren't generally stupid!"
MISHA:  "Have you seen this one!"  <Pointing at Malachi>  "He drinks glue and licks rocks till he goes blind!"
URIEL:  "Wait a minute...you licked a rock?"
MALACHI:  "He told me to." <pointing at Misha>
KAID:  "So if Misha tells you to lick his scrotum, would YOU?!"

 
MISHA:  "I care finger 1." <middle finger up>  "I care finger 2." <middle finger up>

 MISHA:  "I remember Aiden.  He used to clean me...I fucking hated it."
KAID:  "What kind of spell was that?"
MALACHI:  "I think it was Bigby's Febreeze Hand."

 MISHA:  "I want to kill her!"
KAID:  "You're not touching her!"
MISHA <to Uriel>:  "Hey Slopey.  Wanna go halfers on a rape charge?"

 KAID:  "I'm good at talking.  You're good at hitting things."
MISHA:  "Better to hit things."
KAID:  "Luckily, I can talk faster than you can hit."
MISHA:  "Fine, I'm going to start hitting you.  You talk me out of it."

 GM <to Misha>:  "Okay, take 8, 10, 7, and 12 points of damage."
MISHA:  "Ouch!"
URIEL <Asian accent>:  "Ohhh...Hegod-moed-ow-hishooo"
      <translation:  "Ohhh...He got mowed out of his shoes.">

 MISHA:  "I do what I do best."
URIEL:  "What, fuck pigs?"
MISHA:  "I behead the Paladin."

 MISHA:  "You seem to be the only guys who have problems killing little things.  Oh look at that wee puddin'.  It's not even a whole cup!  Its a snack."

 MISHA:  "Yes, we're leaving tomorrow."
KAID:  "We have to wait one more day."
MISHA:  "Why?!"
KAID:  "Iiiiiiii'm not done!"
MISHA:  "Sooooorrrry!  It's just the fate of the fucking world on the line.  We'll just wait around for your needs!"

 KAID:  "Open your eyes, SQUINTY!"

 GM:  "You see stacks of these brown rectangular things wrapped in clear plastic."
MALACHI:  "Looks like poo."
KAID:  "I think they're rations."
MISHA:  "Chocolate rations?"
KAID:  "Maybe Chocolate."
URIEL:  "I vote for poo."
MISHA:  "Okay, we have two guesses.  Ones for Chocolate, the other's poo.  I would motion those who chose chocolate lead this group."

 
GM:  "Okay, the robot back hands you for twenty points of damage and you fly thirty feet, headstrong into a tree--"
MISHA:  "-I cast resist tree."

 MISHA:  "I got a Bard with Bull Strength with me in a headlock, I can't do much."
MALACHI:  "Wait, Raven can't move, she's still paralyzed.  You are going to leave her alone in the stable with Misha?"
KAID:  "Honestly, Malachi, I would be worrying about the horses' purity."

 GM:  "Eight Orcs ambush you!  You're still carrying the deer you killed."
URIEL:  "Throw it at the Orcs!"
MISHA:  "Oh deer GOD!"
<long and load groans from the group>

 <pointing at Malachi, trying to compliment him>
MISHA:  "If you leave 3 Kobolds asleep on the floor, he'll kill at least two of them."

 KAID:  "I don't like the idea of the Paladin touching me....I mean he IS a holy man."
GM:  "He's not Catholic...though he does lick his palms whenever he lays hands on you."
MALACHI:  "Ewwwwwwww...."

 URIEL:  "We are all fucked like CHICKEN!!"

 <Complete darkness>
KAID:  "I take my potion of undead control"
URIEL:  "You don't know it's undead."
GM:  "Yeah right."
<pause>
KAID:  <to Uriel>  "Okay, you've got to learn when to shut up."
MISHA:  "I attack, I start slashing blindly?"
URIEL:  "I hit the dirt.  Stay out of Misha's way."
MISHA:  "Just try to find it...where is it?
KAID:  "In the darkness, RETARD!"

 GM:  "You enter the spinning tunnel, roll Fortitude..."
<Kaid and Uriel fail>
GM:  "You start vomiting from the motion"
MISHA:  <pointing at the vomit>  "You've been eating extra!"
URIEL:  <pointing at the healthy PCs>  "What are you two doing?

MALACHI:  "Laughing!"

 <Introducing a new Character:  Uriel, the Paladin>
KAID:  "Well, Uriel.  I am Kaid, this is Malachi-also known as Malachi The Wise."
MISHA:  "Also known as Malachi-The Drinker of Glue."

 MALACHI:  "You guys take Electrum?"
INKEEPER (GM):  No sir, we accept Platinum, Gold, Silver, Copper, and huge bags of shit."

 KAID:  "You have anything explosive at all?
MALACHI:  "I left it in the other game right next to my Pulse Rifle."

 <For an hour, three characters battle Shadows, Elementals, and a constantly splitting Ochre Jelly.  The Shadows and Elementals were dispatched into smoke and gas, leaving no trace.  Misha sits stuck outside until a PC manages to successfully unlock the door>
GM <To Misha>:  "Okay, the door finally opens.  Malachi, Kaid, and Uriel run out.  Malachi is out. Kaid is bloodied and bruised carrying him.  Uriel battered, his strength drained.  From behind them, four small jellies about the size of Kleenex boxes pursue."
MISHA <Mouth gapes>:  "That's it!"  <Pause> "Honestly, guys, this does not look very convincing.  You couldn't take on four pudding pops?  Bill Cosby would be ashamed!"

 URIEL:  "Yes, its our loyal sidekick...puddin'."

 MALACHI:  "I have blind-fighting!  I have Darkvision!"
KAID:  "I have a torch."

 MISHA:  "I LOVE my rogue."  <To Gilran.>  "Heal him if he dies..."

 GM:  "You see a shape behind the door as the door closes..."
MALACHI:  "That fucking evil gnome...
MISHA <singing "the" tune>:  "J-E-L-L-Gnome..."

 KAID:  <Singing>  "Misha likes to fly, Misha likes to fly, Misha likes to fly, Get in the fucking boat."
MISHA:  "I love that last part."

 GM:  "A six headed Hydra steps forward."
MISHA:  "We're fucked."
MALACHI:  "Maybe its an illusion."
MISHA:  "I actively hate the GM."

 GM:  "The Hyrda rears its heads.  Malachi is standing in front at its feet."
MISHA:  "You mean my ablative meat shield?"

 KAID:  "How is this bridge?  Is it all rope?"
GM:  "No it has wooden planks overtop of a slow moving stream."
MISHA:  "I dangle the Bard over the edge and test for Trolls."

 MISHA:  "Take 22 damage HORSEBITCH!"

 MISHA:  "Heal me!"
<No response from Gilran>
MISHA:  "Heal me!"
KAID:  "Okay...you get 8 back."
MISHA <to Gilran>:  "You are SOO replaced!" 

KAID:  "This is Dungeons & Dragons!  You kill a dog, gold comes out of him."

GM:  "One hell of a coin purse.  Here Spot, cough up a gold!" (imitates a dog coughing)
<Malachi fights back ice-t.  He begins to go red>
MISHA:  "We broke him again!"

 GM:  "You take the gun off the body.  The gun disintegrates in your hand instantly.  Turning into sand."
MALACHI:  "I give him a token kick in the junk!"
MISHA (smiling):  "I was just going to say that!  We've been traveling together for too long." 

GILRAN:  "Now is NOT the time to be vague.  What the fuck are those things?!"

 KAID:  "How's your healin' fealin'?"

 KAID:  "You have fireball?"
GILRAN:  "Do I look like a fucking mage?"
KAID:  "Do I look like a fucking mage?"
GILRAN:  "No, you look like a ponce."

 MISHA:  "Heal me!" <Then he imitates Gilran> "I throw a dart..."
KAID:  "I'll heal you.  I can't hit shit."
MISHA:  "You see, that's what I'm talking about!"

 <The group welcomes a new PC, a Bard named Kaid.  Kaid has something Gilran wants...>
GILRAN:  "I give you a 1000 gp to kill the Bard."
JEZZ (NPC):  Why did you guys start a fight in the tavern?!
MISHA:  "Cause it was a form of initiation.  Every member here joined through a bar fight."
JEZZ:  "But why the bard?!"
MISHA:  "Cause HE'S the only new human in the room.  HE is the new Player.  We need an excuse to get him in the group!"
<Pause...>
GILRAN:  "Either way, I give you 1000 gp to kill the Bard..."

 MISHA:  "May I come in?"
KAID:  "I'm not letting you get close to me with those HAM HANDS!

 <The GM shows the group a photo of the giant dire bear approaching...>
MISHA:  "Mother Fucker."
KAID:  "Holy Shit."
MALACHI:  "My God!"
GILRAN:  "That it?"

 
KAID:  "What the deal with these purple things anyway?"
GILRAN:  "Nothing-"
MISHA:  "-Save the world."

 MALACHI:  "Why a Bard?"
MISHA (loud):  "I thought we needed a Bard to sing about my exploits 'cause I am a fucking hero!"

 KAID:  "I come from a land where pen and paper exist.  Fuck memory!"

 MISHA:  "I just saved an Elf.  If its anything like a wookie, he's mine for life."

 GM:  <pointing at Misha who just returned from the forest> "Okay, he comes back with bloody hands and a bag of raspberries."
MISHA:  "Dinner is served..."

 GM:  "Yes, the innkeeper is 'Olga.'  That big butch man is really a woman.  If you need proof, she can take off her brazier but you run the risk of dying from getting hit in the head by an errant tit."
MISHA:  "Try explaining that in Valhalla."

 Malachi awakes from being stone dead for more than an hour.  He opens his eyes...
MALACHI (first words):  "Ranger take all my stuff?"
PRIEST (GM):  Yes, he did."
MALACHI:  "Fuck..."
MISHA:  "Hey, I saved your bitch ass!"

 GM:  "She wields a scimitar."
MISHA:  "I can use that.  I wield my long sword and I also have my master craft great sword for cleaving."
MALACHI:  "Can you do anything with a rapier?"
MISHA:  "...floss?"

 MALACHI:  "Why did I volunteer to do a marathon?  I have the fortitude of cream of wheat!"

 MALACHI:  "That's some vicious venom.  I now have a strength of 8."
AIDEN:  "Now you are only as strong as you are smart..."
<Gilran shakes his head>
GILRAN:  "Man..."
GM:  "Yeah, that was just mean."

 GM:  "You enter the ruins.  You see about 70 sheep wandering through the pillars.
AIDEN:  "Great, you're knee deep in sheep."
GM:  "Oh, for fuck sakes, man!"

 GM:  "What are you going to call your team?"
GILRAN:  "How about...The Twelve?"
AIDEN:  "That's pretty good."
GM:  "There are only four of you..."
MALACHI:  "Yeah we are a couple bricks short of a load."

 GM:  "Okay, <pointing at cleric> he enters with a pair of 4gp T-Bone steaks."
GILRAN:  "I go to the kitchen...I scare the meat with the stove."

 AIDEN:  "Does Egg want any of those books I found?"
GM:  "He takes one, and gives the rest back.  He has no interest in the Hustler."
AIDEN:  "Or better yet <imitates a book with a centerfold with a 6 page foldout> ...Play-Naga"

 MISHA:  "You got some threat there: Ohh, just wait till I level!"

 GM:  "Take 18 points of damage"
MALACHI:  "I need my D6, cause I'm going to have to make up a character soon..."

 GM:  "You enter a room...you see a big depression..."
AIDEN:  "THERE IS NO REASON TO LIVE!"
<long pause>
GM:  "Fuck you.  You're being penalized for that one."
AIDEN:  "Hey, its bad pun week!"

 GM:  "Okay, Misha, strike the Minotaur."
MISHA:  "Critical Threat!!"  <Rolls again>  "HIT!  Critical damage!  I'm so fucking good.  36 points of damage!"
GM:  "Okay, he's hurt...and pissed.  He stomps his feat, preparing for a ram."
MISHA:  "I'm dead."
GM:  "Okay, Misha, the Minotaur rams you for 18 points of damage.."
MISHA:  "Shit, negative 4...He's mine!  Somebody help me."
GILLRAN:  "I attack the Minotaur."
MISHA:  "No...he's mine!  Heal me."
MALACHI:  "I attack the Minotaur"
MISHA:  "Fuck all of you, somebody help me!"
AIDEN:  "I strike with a Ray of Frost...2 points of damage.
GM:  "Okay, he's dead."
AIDEN:  "WOOHOO!!"
MISHA:  "Oh, you fucking asshole!"

 
GM:  "There are tones of books on the walls."
AIDEN:  "Anything interesting?"
GM:  "There are hundreds.  The smallest one is 'Famous Jewish Sports Legends'"
<Malachi, incapable of holding in his Ice-T from laughter, walks out>
GM:  "I think we broke him..."

 MALACHI:  "I'm not tugging anything.  I've learned my lesson when I drank that jug of glue."
MISHA:  "No, that's because you're stupid."

 GM:  "Before you fall from your wounds, your final strike lobs the Doppelganger's head off!"
MISHA:  "I'm sooo fucking good!"

 AIDEN:  "You smell and are covered in blood.  We AIN'T carrying you!"

MISHA:  "I'm feeling a might peckish.  I eat the elf."

MALACHI:  "If you feed the monster Gold, its happy."
MISHA:  "Sounds like a Televangelist scam."

 MISHA:  "You never showed restraint when eating shit before?"

GM:  "Why do you have a pickled cat?"
<pause>
MISHA:  "How do you store YOUR animals?"

 AIDEN:  "Hey, I took out five of them!"
MISHA:  "Sleep doesn't count.  It's like kicking someone in the junk!"

 MALACHI:  "Makes you wonder why these Kobolds were here."
GM:  "These were barracks, they sleep here..."
MALACHI:  "Why didn't I just sneak attack all of them."
MISHA:  "Cause you would have missed."

 MALACHI:  "If you bless shit...does it become holy shit?"
<A long, unsatisfied groan...>
GM:  "Okay, You're being penalized for bad taste."
MALCHI:  "What?  Fuck you!"
<GM starts writing it down>
MISHA <points and laughs>:  "Ha ha...you just been fined."
MALACHI:  "It didn't sound that bad when it came out."
MISHA:  "He's trying to pull himself out."

 MALACHI:  "I shake the turds from my leg."
MISHA:  <singing>  "Someone smells worse than meeeee..."

 MISHA:  "There are two potions...drinking them both...one's superglue.  The other's a laxative..."  <Insert bodily contorting here>  "It has nowhere to go..."

MISHA:  "Well, I killed like six.  <points to the other PCs> "You two are tied for "ass" place."

 MALACHI:  "If I'm the only able bodied one, we're fucked."

 AIDEN:  "Well, I think it's a bad idea."
MISHA:  "